I was recently playing Monopoly on my smart phone and it got me thinking… What if there was a butch-themed
Monopoly game? What would the game look like?
Traditionally, Monopoly has 8 sets of colored properties, 2 utilities, and 4 railroads to buy. Hazards include 2 kinds of taxes and, of course, jail. The pieces a player gets to choose from are: battleship, cannon, dog, iron, race car, shoe, thimble, top hat, and wheelbarrow. I note that some editions also have a man on horseback, a train, and a sack of money, but I’ve never seen or played with those.
If I were to butch up Monopoly, it might look something like this.
The properties one would buy would be 8 different breweries, with my 3 favorite beers from each. The utilities would be Home Depot and Target (a butch can get everything she needs for daily living at these two stores, minus clothes and food, of course). The tax squares would be classic butch problem situations resulting in the payment of a Femme Tax. One would be: “You’ve been caught staring at another woman, buy your femme flowers to try to fix it.” The second: “You have no idea what your femme is trying to tell you so you have to hire a translator to save your dumb ass.”
Community Chest becomes Femme Chests and includes cards explaining a variety of things you do that are “Butch Fails” and will send you directly Butch Jail – do not pass go, do not collect $200. But, it’s alright because Butch Jail is staffed by sexy femme prison guards. Meow.
The pieces would be transformed like this:
Battleship = Polar Bear, because they are big and powerful like a battleship, but not charged with that militaristic, gas-guzzling, establishment, gay-hating aura that the armed forces have.
Dog = Shark. Remember, sharks are hella butch.
Iron = Toolbox. Obviously.
Race car = This is my favorite piece, so it would stay. Model it after a Shelby Cobra, though.
Shoe = Engineer boot. Very butch.
Top hat = Bow tie. ’nuff said.
Wheelbarrow = Big beer bottle.
Thimble = BBQ grill
Now, who wants to play?
It’s butch to play games. Be butch.