Hit On Someone Your Own Size

Alright, so I gotta vent. WTF is wrong with straight men? Now, boys, before you get all puffy-chested and start grabbing yourselves, let me say that I know that I am generalizing. But some of you, WTF? Allow me to explain.

You all know about me – big butch lesbian, and you all know about the gorgeous fiancé – petite, pretty, curvy, abfab femme. Right? So we are a couple. And everybody knows it. And, if someone doesn’t know right away, I introduce her as “my partner.” So, then they know. Cool?

We recently went to an event that was mostly straight people, with lots of alcohol. I looked very butch – surprise! She looked very femme (sexy blouse and heels, etc.). I expected to have fun, and we did for the most part. I did not expect to have to cockblock some of the straight guys.

First, there was a guy we knew who says to her “You are really cute.” So far, ok. She says, “Thanks.” But then he continues, “If you were straight, I would not stop hitting on you. What the hell. I’m just going to hit on you anyway.” Umm, what? The GF replies (a bit uncomfortable now). “Have you met, Butch?” He says, “Oh, I can take Butch.” Really? Had I heard him, I would have been the one puffing up my chest, getting in his face, with a stern NO YOU CAN’T. But I didn’t hear any of this.

I was upset when she told me a little bit later. She didn’t want me to do anything, and so I didn’t. Now, for those of you who’ve read my blog, you know that the gorgeous fiancé can take care of herself. She is a badass. But still, she’s tiny and pretty. Isn’t it my job to protect her? Isn’t this what a butch does?

Later, another guy we knew took a Guinness bar swag button (think the Easy button) and stuck it to one of her breasts. Yes, really. She was so shocked, she didn’t know what to do. She walked away and again told me shortly after. I was not to do anything. She didn’t want to cause a scene during an important event for me, and anyway, was this simply normal behavior in the straight world and were we overreacting?

There was also a lot of general lascivious staring and ogling. That’s fairly normal, as she definitely gets checked out. I notice it. The normal check out is alright, of course. What am I, a Neanderthal? An ape? No, I’m an evolved Butch. I know that this stuff is flattering to me. Sometimes I make eye contact with the ogling male and give him a good, “Yes, all that loveliness that you are appreciating? That’s for me. Not you. So suck it.”  But there’s definitely a line, and I don’t think that either of us really knows where to draw it.

We talked about it later that night and she reiterated that she really didn’t want to cause a scene or ruin the fun. So I listened to her and respected her wishes. It’s about her, after all, not me. But still, I can’t help but think that these guys would not have treated her in the same way if I were a guy standing next to her, as big as I am. Would they have?

Even if she was able to be Zen with it all, it got me thinking. Straight girls, how do you do it? This must happen a lot, right? You go out, you look good, and you get hit on. Straight guys, how do you do it?  Your wives and girlfriends must get hit on. What do you do?

If I were a straight guy, I would know what to do, right? I would be able to do the chuck-on-the-shoulder, dude-knock-it-off-move and the guy would get it. Do they teach you guys this early on? “Ok, dude, here is the protocol when your friend hits on your girlfriend…” I certainly didn’t get that training. If my gorgeous fiancé were straight, this would happen to her all the time and she would have developed a flawless approach to smoothly handling advances, complete with varying responses dependent on the severity of the sitch and the douchiness of the guy.

Neither of us has been given the playbook.

So, now that I have vented, I have some questions for you:

1.         Guys, do you behave like this?

2.         Guys, how do you handle it when someone hits on your girl?

3.         Do you think these guys would have treated my gorgeous fiancé in the same way if I were a dude?

4.         Butches, what do you do when a dude hits on your femme? How does your femme want you to react?

5.         Femmes, what do you do when someone hits on you? Do you want your butch to step in?

I must add, almost as a footnote, that I did tell the “if you were straight” that he needed to stop hitting on my fiancé. I said it very matter-of-factly. He tried to tell me that it was all in good fun (yes, we had loads of fun), he didn’t mean anything by it (unless of course she had indicated any interest), and it isn’t like he’s going to take her from me (that is certainly true). But, I stood my ground.

But was that the right thing to do? Too much, not enough? This butch needs guidance. It’s butch to have a hot femme fiancé who others find attractive. It’s also butch to keep from punching those who cross the line, wherever that line may be. Be Butch.

About Tristan Higgins, aka Butch Jaxon

I am a butch. This blog is about what I think. If you do not know what butch means, you are probably on the wrong blog. In the interests of inclusion, though, I can tell you that “butch” means a lesbian that is big, strong, tough, more macho, less girly. Of course, there are no hard and fast rules – which is an ongoing theme in my blog (and in the comments), but those are the basics. A butch will most likely not wear makeup. A butch is often referred to as “sir” by someone who is not paying attention. What else? I am, after all, not just a butch. I am happily married to the most amazing woman ever, and the mother of two fantastic kids. I am also a lover of, in no particular order, beer, bow ties, breasts, movies, hiking, bookstores, travel, dogs, geocaching, polar bears, the gym, music, gadgets, and more. By day, I am an intrepid corporate entertainment lawyer. Although I try hard not to be labeled as such – sporting a bleached Mohawk, for example. Think more entertainment and less corporate. By night, bring it all on! In my blog, I talk about things from a butch perspective, but this is not just for butches. We all love our femmes. Please do not let me offend femmes, mine in particular! If you like what you read here, I hope you will comment and let me know what you think. If you do not like what you read, well, what the hell do I care? Start your own blog. Be Butch. View all posts by Tristan Higgins, aka Butch Jaxon

27 responses to “Hit On Someone Your Own Size

  • asickandtwistedperspective

    When I get hit on by a man, (and it’s usually a man, because I am very femme and I rarely actually get approached by women) they are very often too forward for my tastes. Even after I tell them that I have a GIRLDFRIEND. The response I get most often is that if I had a man ”do it right” I would be straight. I’ve taken to wearing my pride bands I find I get hit on less, but obviously you can’t wear them all the time. One especially rude man just offered to ”fuck me straight”. I’ve long since given up being upset and telling my girlfriend about these incidents, it won’t do any good, and I honestly feel bad for these men who are so threatened by a woman who doesn’t want them, but wants another woman.

    Like

    • Butch Jaxon

      Asickandtwistedperspective, thank you so much for taking the time to comment and share your perspective. That really sucks that it happens to you so frequently, and so offensively. Geez. WTF is wrong with these guys?

      Like

      • asickandtwistedperspective

        I honestly believe that they are threatened, by a woman who doesn’t want to be with a man. This is just my theory of course, but you know I look at it like; as long as they don’t put their hands on me, then it’s whatever. Thats why I wear my iPod at a very high volume lol. 🙂

        Like

      • Butch Jaxon

        Asickandtwistedperspective,

        Even in a club? You must look super cool with the ear phones on like that. =:o)

        Butch

        Like

  • Rachel Kantstopdaphunk

    It happens all the damn time. Hets are clueless, straight guys are super entitled, and they can’t even see the relationship that’s *right there*.. I’ve had guys hit on me right in front of my GF. Sometimes she doesn’t really hear what they’re saying, so she doesn’t notice. Those times I sorta wish she’d step in b/c she’s a whole lot bigger than I am. I mean, I will give a mofo a tongue-lashing (not *that* kind!) …otoh, I don’t want her to get into a fight… When she does notice she gets pretty angry. The problem isn’t just that extra entitled straight guys are clueless, its the specific way that heteronormativity *erases* queer relationships, and fetishizes queer women. It actually pisses me off to no end.

    So, what’s the perfect balance? I wanna feel safe enough to even get the sexy fit happening, which I don’t do when I’m going out alone or with friends, typically. I will hold that shit back for when I’m hitting the town w my woman. I want her to stick a little closer in social situations, b/c she’s a stud dyke, a whole lotta these fools aren’t gonna say that same bs if she’s in earshot. I want to drop like a hot potato people who make me uncomfortable the way the guys you describe in your post made your lady, with nary a ‘you’re taking it too seriously’ thrown in my face. I want backup on who I choose to let into my life, or who gets to stay.

    If you consider any of those supposed ‘friends’ to actually be friends, you need to sit their dumb asses down and tell em what’s up, or if not, cut em off entirely. Bottom line, the jackass that hits on your girl the minute your back is turned is not your friend.

    Like

    • Butch Jaxon

      Rachel,

      I really appreciate your insight! You are right that I need to talk to the “offenders” in this case. You really captured some of what I was feeling – especially about erasing our relationship. Thank you for taking the time to share.

      Butch

      Like

  • Audrey

    I’m a femme who came out as a lesbian about 3 years ago. Having lived a “straight” life for many years, I know how these things can go. Let me say that unless you were in the most raunchy of hetero atmospheres, you never would have encountered the kind of disrespect you and your partner encountered had you been a man. You were disrespected because you are a woman, a lesbian AND a butch; you and your partner were mistreated by a misogynistic and ignorant ass who is trying to get away with this behavior by saying “it’s all in good fun”. That kind of entitlement behavior should now be allowed to “slide”. If possible, take on a unified front with a man like that and defend yourselves as a couple. This doesn’t have to get loud or ugly, but you and your partner need to be clear and firm about what is not okay. Stay firm and stay together on this.

    Unfortunately, My partner is a very AG butch who most likely would have flattened the guy, so telling her about it at the time would have been a bad idea. While I understand her desire to protect, that takes away my sense of power and self reliance. It’s a tough call, because I would want to protect her as well and this can reek havoc on a butch’s sense of self and “butchness”. Personally, I would like to see more equality between partners in these types of situations; to temporarily suspend the butch/femme dynamic and respond as two lesbian women standing up for our rights and respect.

    Like

    • Butch Jaxon

      Audrey,

      It is really great to hear how other femmes feel about this, and how you have handled it. I like the idea of trying to suspend the dynamic (not that its fake) and approach the problem as a team. Next time, we will be better equipped! Thank you for taking the time to share.

      Butch

      Like

  • ButchU

    It’s like the book, “Tuck, Everlasting.” It will never end. Human nature, especially that of those who are most aggressive, propels the Push-Up, the Advance, the Challenge, even the Blatant-In-Your-Face-Provocation. And of course, liquor only fosters the situation. I struggle with this also, having a most beautiful wife- and a wife who is friendly and thinks that there is good in most people. I’m not a Big Butch- just 5’5″, but I possess a big air, (Brooklyn). and have had to develop a “face” when we’re in social situations. Most of our encounters in the same vein have been at her corporate events, so therefore, I am wont to be chill. However, I KNOW that this would not happen if I were a male. This stuff is definitely the stuff of confrontations, and thinking males do not do this. The rest, however, seem eager to accidentally-on-purpose walk too closely, and brush by too familiarly. Everyone knows she is a lesbian, and though she looks “straight,” she never lets anyone think that that is true. Everyone knows who I am, and she always introduces me as her husbian/wife/partner. Still “silly dicks” believe there’s an opportunity. I think you were cool to respect her wishes, especially with the Guinness button – no way that wouldda worked for me.
    So, to answer one of your queries – it seems best to do what is most comfortable for the two of you. After all, isn’t that what they’re doing?

    Like

    • Butch Jaxon

      ButchU,

      Hi! I lol’d at your big air, Brooklyn. You are so right about the accidently-on-purpose walk too closely. It is great that your wife always let’s people know she is a lesbian. I really think that, as hard as it is for us butches to be disrespected like this, it must be hell for our femmes to constantly have to come out.

      Really appreciate your comment. Thank you.

      Butch

      Like

  • Amber

    I get it too, and when I tell them that I’m a lesbian, they act completely nonplussed and say “That’s okay. I don’t care.” It’s as if they don’t know what the term “lesbian” means in relation to whether or not I would find them sexually attractive; as if I said, “I’m of Irish heritage” instead. Dimwits. Usually I have to get pretty surly with them, lay it on thick, and let them know just how totally not-attracted I am to them. I go into a drawn out rant about how disgusting (and mind-boggingly useless) I find man nipples to be, complete with gag-mimic facial expressions. I then explain how comparatively perfect by contrast the butch female is, how much I love the inherent, unified dichotomy of butch women, how much I love the way they do charm and chivalry, how much I love their rough hands and soft lips, and that while yes, I have been with men in the past (because they usually ask – I guess some kind of litmus test?), once you go butch, you never, well, stoop to men again. Honestly, I’m not as rigid as that; I’m aware that sexuality is fluid, and generally I try to avoid man-bashing, but if the guy is being a jerk, I do say that last bit just to kick ‘im in the balls.

    But I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that it would be really, really awesome if the butch I were dating stepped in and was protective of me. That butch would get a big, grateful kiss at the end of the evening, soon as I scooted up next to her in her truck.

    As a single femme, I usually feel pretty vulnerable to this type of crap in the world. It would be nice to have a butch around, even though it doesn’t sound like the presence of a partner would curb the behavior, at least I would have back-up. And someone to kiss later.

    Like

    • Butch Jaxon

      Amber,

      You sound awesome! I wish I could hear this as you lay it on to the dimwits. You obviously deserve a butch, so hang in there. Can’t be long; there are plenty of us, right? =:o)

      Thanks for sharing!
      Butch

      Like

  • em-power-me

    I’m not directly answering any of your questions, but my general perspective is that your girl only got hit on BECAUSE she’s with you. To straight men, lesbians aren’t “real” and our relationship status thus doesn’t “count.” And that is a reminder of how pathetic straight people are. Ugh

    BTW, I wear my rainbow everywhere. I still get hit on, but my necklace helps to shorten the encounters 🙂

    Like

  • em-power-me

    I’m not directly answering any of your questions, but my general perspective is that your girl only got hit on BECAUSE she’s with you. To straight men, lesbians aren’t “real” and our relationship status thus doesn’t “count.” And that is a reminder of how pathetic straight people are. Ugh

    BTW, I wear my rainbow everywhere. I still get hit on, but my necklace helps to shorten the encounters 🙂

    Like

  • loispercente

    Reblogged this on From the mind of Lois… and commented:
    Hey there,
    Well I’m a femme and men hit on me whenever I go out to a straight establishment, which I use to do regularly when we lived in Chicago. Like the situation with you and yours, the guys knew that I was gay, however, they would only hit on me out of fun, and would be very respectable whenever my wife and I went there (our local tavern) together, to the point of just saying “hello” and maybe joking around a little with us both. I think I would like opportunity to handle the situation if someone was trying to hit on me, and after I let the man or woman know that I was spoken, if they continued then I would have to then bring in my wife for support. Lois

    Like

  • Nicole Martin

    Butch,

    It is good to let a woman being hit on handle things for herself, however if someone does not take the hint and continues to be stupid/disrespectful having you intervene is reasonable esp. In the restrained manner you did. This situation does not have a script for the two of you and I imagine it to be the same for the straight guy. Manners with regards to how men treat women and when flirting crosses the line happens to us all. Thank-you for sharing your story.

    Nic

    Like

    • Butch Jaxon

      Nic,

      Thank you! I am glad for the validation, and also glad to know that it’s not just a lesbian problem. As irritating as it is that women have to deal with men hitting on them aggressively, it makes it slightly better that it happens to all women. Well, most women. It doesn’t happen to me and I don’t imagine that is going to change anytime soon.

      As always, I really appreciate your comments! Thanks.

      Butch

      Like

  • Maya

    HHhhmmmm. Wow, this stuff is really great to read. My Butch just sent me a link to your entry and Im fascinated to see everyone’s take on the situation. When my Grrl and I go out, we both get hit on in various ways by both straight and gay people (she is so masculine looking that if she has clothes that hide her breasts she gets hit on by a lot of gay men!). . . and so far – we both have a fairly high tolerance for/ability to ignore assholes – there has only been one incident of a guy who SUPER pissed us both off hitting on me. I found the guy to be an idiot and thoroughly obnoxious – we were at a LESBIAN DANCE for f’ks sake! I gave him the benefit of the doubt and said NO when he asked if he could take my picture – but he didn’t back off. . . and my butch was at the ready, spear in hand. I did not feel that I ‘needed’ her to protect me – I am actually a lot older than she is, and can definitely take care of myself – and I really NEVER want to put her in a bad spot – BUT I do have to say it was a cool feeling to have someone stand up for me!

    As someone who, like so many femmes, discovered my femme-ness late in life, I can say that in all my days of being with men, none have come close to you Butches in chivalry, poise, Knighthood, or pure hot warrior energy. No man has ever held my heart with such care and passion, or fired me up – body, heart, mind and spirit – like you amazing Beings of Perfection! Butch, to me, is the third sex, the perfect sex, and hell, the SEX is beyond compare. I gotta agree with Amber up there – once ya get a taste of Butch, who the heck would ever go back to Man?

    I say, Femmes, if it gets bad and you WANT back up, call on your butch, because, secretly, she WANTS to defend you when you are dissed. But only do this when you REALLY need her, because she is – rightfully – a ticking bomb waiting to go off on the poor guy who, sadly, kind of puts himself in the line of fire for ALL the assholes who have ever dissed ANY of us throughout history. If/when it comes to calling in our Butch Warriors, I know we can trust them to stand up – so use this resource wisely – its a powerful weapon!

    Love to all you Fierce Fire-y Femmes and Big Badass Butches!!

    Like

    • Butch Jaxon

      Wow, Maya!

      I am stuck on your words: “I can say that in all my days of being with men, none have come close to you Butches in chivalry, poise, Knighthood, or pure hot warrior energy. No man has ever held my heart with such care and passion, or fired me up – body, heart, mind and spirit – like you amazing Beings of Perfection!”

      Your Butch is one lucky Grrl. Thank you for your great words. They are very uplifting – and on a day when I can really use it.

      =:o) Butch

      Like

  • Jolie

    I am a femme, with a big dose of sarcasm, who constantly deals with .Mostly it occurs while I’m out with my butch gf or one of my two very protective butch best friends, they usually let me handle it until the idiot gets overly stupid. I start by shaming them with their stupidity by responding with, “why would I want to be with a man? Anything you have my gf can get bigger.”Then if they follow it up with more stupidness I make it very clear to them that as a woman, we know all the right moves and places that they spend their lives trying to find and figure out. If they go beyond that my butches step in and handle them. Its never come to blows, and it usually shames them even more that they just got shown HOW to be a better man, by a woman. I purposely don’t go to a bar without my gf or my best friends for that reason. I appreciate that they know that I can handle it on my own to an extent and they know when the guy has crossed the line.

    Like

  • House milf

    I’m a 6 foot leggy feisty femme, my beloved handsome butch is also 6 foot, but more your barn door build…
    I’m lucky that most ‘chaps’ are too intimidated to even try it (add my heels in and I’m at 6’4+….)

    However, like terriers in the park, there is always one whose parents didn’t manage to teach that “no” means NO, and “down boy” means you have three seconds before the tongue lashing starts….

    My best one to date was ‘little man syndrome’ chap, who repeatedly hit on me for a large part of the evening…so I waited till he was with his mates, walked across (I know my baby had my back) beckoned him in and just loud enough for his mates to hear, informed him that even if his ‘could’ stay up all night, like hers, and came in what ever shape/size I felt like, like hers, wouldn’t get me pregnant, didn’t leave an unpleasant smell or nasty stain in the morning, wasn’t affected by the amount of alcohol already consumed and could be used even when he wasn’t there…..that I would still vomit at even the thought of it….

    He left us alone after that…..and had the decency to blush and look at the floor each time my darling butch made deliberate eye contact with him.

    Never. Ever. Diss my beloved.

    If it hadn’t worked and he had tried again, I know she would have decked him out!!!

    Like

    • Butch Jaxon

      House MILF, oh my god, I laughed so hard at your lashing of the little chap. He deserved it. See, us butches, we don’t have the wherewithal to do that. For me, it’s more like the death stare and an intimidating flex. Brava!

      Like

  • WWG

    I’m a single femme in NYC. I’m also petite and outgoing. This means I get hit on often enough. When a guy hits on me, I will say “thank you but I’m not interested” or “thank you, but I’m not available.” I find though that not available means one day you miiiight be available, so they keep going. If I’m going to say anything about not being straight, I will say “I’m gay” not “I’m a lesbian.” I always start with I’m not interested or available because that cuts things off at the pass quickly without giving them an “in” to keep going. And I always use “gay” as opposed to “lesbian” because I’ve found lesbian has become so fetishized that it has no strength anymore. To straight men, it is synonymous with “lesbian” porn sex, which, as we all know, is definitely not about lesbian women. I find gay is more unequivocal and strong.

    Also, given straight women use the “I’m a lesbian” thing so much when some guy hits on them that they’re not interested in, I have a necklace from Sasha of CCL that says “lesbian” on it, so if any guy starts the “you’re lying” thing, I can show that nope, I’m definitely not!!

    Btw, what is with all the stupid lines guys say? I swear, they all go to the same school to learn those lines. “Maybe you haven’t found the right guy?” “Maybe I can fuck you straight” “why not date a man if you’re just going to use a strap on?” etc etc. Seriously? Can someone come up with a new line to surprise me once in awhile? It’s not only annoying when they disrespect our space, but then to bore us with the same lines over and over? Ugh!

    Like

    • Butch Jaxon

      WWG,

      Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment. Nice to have your femme perspective. Yes, lesbians are hot, even when fetishized (sp?). Straight men need fresh lines, or even better, to hit on women who are available.

      Butch

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

ButchOnTap

Be Butch.

pinkroziz

Always A Story...

softlybutch

4 out of 5 dentists recommend this WordPress.com site

Dear Butch, ... Love, Femme

a little sound advice from one side of the spectrum to the other

A Femme in NYC

Adventures & Misadventures of a Butch/Stone Butch Loving Spaniard

Femme Fairy Godmother

What your mama should've told you

kittysveiw

Thoughts from a femme...

A Boy and Her Dog

Traversing the Border between Butch and Transgender

Sudden Awareness

It's like I just awoke to find myself living someone else's life

P J Perryman Books

Sparkly Knickers

Dapper, Irish & Butch

Dapper- it's a state of mind.

singlequeergrrl

single. queer. grrl.

Stories from life

cisgender, unlearning oppression, transgender, resistance, butch, femme, gendered space, women, women and police, women and hospitals, women and transphobia, genderism, transphobia, sexism, allies, coming out, gendered spaces, women and welfare, solidarity, barbara findlay, washrooms, women and psychiatry, still sane

Butch Ramblings

“I’m not wandering aimlessly, I am experiencing endlessly.”

Vulnerable Verbiage

Involving an uninhibited, workaholic, independent, femme lesbian. I let it all hang out in my blog house!! ENJOY!

%d bloggers like this: