Monthly Archives: December 2012

Can Accommodate 7

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There’s no way to butch up a minivan.

I’ve started thinking about a new car and so have been paying attention to things I would not normally pay attention to. The other day I saw an ad proudly announcing that the new mini-van from whomever “can accommodate 7!” Wow, they are super proud of that.

Now, first and foremost, I know plenty of people need big ass cars and SUVs. Of course. If you have a huge family, are a coach, whatever. Right? No problem. But, for me, and my family of 3, I do not need such a vehicle, and I am so pleased.

Best car ever.

Let me bring you back. About 9 years back. I was driving my favorite car I have ever had: a silver-gray BMW Z3 convertible. Damn that was a sexy car and so, so much fun to drive. Lots of heads turned when I drove around in that number. So, there I am with a dream of a sports car and my partner and I at the time were busy trying to have kids. I knew that I would have to get rid of that sexy little car at some point. No backseat, let alone a place for a car seat. But, I dreaded it.

To add insult to injury, we bought a minivan and I gave up my Z3. It wasnt my car, but still I had to trade in my little baby. Sigh. How trite, right? See, straight friends, we lesbians are JUST LIKE YOU! Same problems and hang ups.

I hated giving up that car.

Now, here I am ready for a new car and feeling a great deal of pressure to move away from the gas-guzzling combustion engine I have in my SUV and to right-size. I do not need to accommodate 7, but I still can’t have a sexy little Z. So, somewhere in the middle I will land. Being an active butch, I will no doubt end up with another SUV but hopefully a hybrid or at least one with high mpg. The polar bears are counting on me.

"It's butch to decrease your carbon footprint. Be butch."

“It’s butch to decrease your carbon footprint. Be butch.”

If the sales guy tells me that the one I am looking at can accommodate 7, I will turn on my heel and walk out.

It’s not butch to drive a mini-van. Be butch.

Happy Holidays!

Here is how we build a gingerbread house in our family. Have a very butch Christmas!

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Update: The Mayans WERE Wrong!

Just a celebratory note that the Mayans were wrong! We are all still here! Hooray. If I’d really been scared, really been sure the world was ending, then I would have to think that I’ve been given a new life. A brand new chance to make what I want of my life. Wouldn’t I? Shouldn’t we all?

Even though I wasn’t scared, and didn’t think the world was ending (did you?), I choose to receive the gift of a second chance, a new world, a new life. That doesn’t mean I don’t love the life I already have. On the contrary. I’m on the right path. That’s what my post (just before this one) reminded me of.

So, what do I want my new life to be defined by – be it well-entrenched in me or lacking? In no particular order…

  • Fun. People, places, events, shows, concerts, musicals, parties, events, experiences.
  • Adventure. Scuba diving, kayaking, mountain biking, DJ’ing, traveling the world, trying new foods, beers, everything.
  • Kids. I adore mine. My life is kid-friendly and I want to create a world where they can blossom while they are preparing for the world that’s more challenging.
  • Honesty. Integrity. Two of the most important words to me. My life is and will be defined by honesty and integrity. I will treat all I encounter with these two words in mind. If you are in my life, you will do the same.
  • Kindness. I want to be kind and I want kindness in those around me.
  • Health. I want to make healthy choices to create a healthy mind and body. I want to ward off disease with this attitude of health and the choices that accompany that attitude.
  • Excitement. Peace. Both are essential ingredients in my life. I crave and enjoy excitement. After the excitement, though, I need and appreciate peace and calm.
  • Joy. Laughter. As much and as often as possible.
  • Simplicity. As much as I want awesome trips to Paris, Cairo, the Johnstone Strait, and Phuket, I want to sit at home and play board games with my friends and family. Perhaps, Butchopoly?
  • Fitness & Strength. I want to be able to lift and pull and press lots of weight. But not to be lots of weight.
  • Appreciation. Gratitude. Living life to the absolute fullest – which includes feeling sorrow and loss when they are present – and always knowing that every day could be the end of the world for me or someone I adore. There are just too many examples to ignore this fact.
  • And, of course…Love. I want to share my life with someone beautiful and loving. A femme. She’s soft and sexy. She looks at me in such a special way that – err sorry. There’s lots more to write here, but just look at Wanted: Femme for Butch
  • Last, but not least…Worth. I want to be a person who is worthy of all these wonderful people and things.
  • The Mayans were wrong. I’m still here. You are still here. They were busy (a long time ago) preparing for the end of the world. Now it’s my turn to prepare for the rest of my life. How about you?

    It’s butch to aspire to be worthy. Be Butch.

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    I really hope the Mayans are wrong.

    mayan date

    Tonight, or maybe tomorrow night, is supposed to be the end of the world. What time zone does that happen in, by the way? I mean, it would already be the end of the world in Australia, right? The Mayans and the Facebook app Year-in-Review has got me to thinking. What was my year all about? If life as we know it is about to be over, how did I do this past year? Given my breakup, which you all know about (cue the sad face), there is no way that my year is not at least a little melancholy, but that aside. Here is what my year brought me.

    • Reconnecting with old friends: My HS reunion was this year. I helped to plan it in a small way, and I really enjoyed the planning, build up, event, and then aftermath of the event. Several of my closest friends from HS are once again my closest friends in life.
    • Body Changes: This year I have lost weight and fat, and gained a lot of strength, muscle and knowledge. Turns out that I love to lift! I now know about things like Green Vibrance and the difference between whey, soy, and egg white protein. My new body, still much progress to go, allows me more energy, less pain, and more confidence. So that’s cool.
    • Saw the World (or at least some more of it): This year I saw Rome, Pompeii, and Florence, Italy, Cannes and Marseilles, France, Barcelona and Sitges, Spain, and Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. I’m so hooked that I’ve already planned my next international trip, and there will be as many more as I can swing.
    • Stateside Exploration: Charlotte, North Carolina, Santa Fe and Albuquerque New Mexico, Dallas, Texas, San Francisco, San Jose, Santa Barbara, Big Bear, Palm Springs, and Disneyland, California.
    • More musicals and comedians: Saw “The Book of Mormon” (raucously funny), “Wicked” (still my favorite musical), a taping of Chelsea Lately, Florence and the Machine, and Fortune Feimster several times (she is hilarious, go see her!)
    • On the Work front: Spearheaded my company’s participation in the Pride Parade and Festival for the third year in a row, helped to get a great score on the HRC Corporate Equality Index, made it through a round of layoffs (whew) and got all new clients at the end of the year.
    • Friends: I made a ton of new friends this year. I know FB does not equal real friends in and of itself, but still I added so many friends there and can think of handfuls of people that I love to spend time with – IRL. Friends, I appreciate you all so much.
    • Random: Tried red hair (short-lived), took a turn spinning as a DJ at Pride, swam with dolphins, remembered that I love to kayak and mountain bike.
    • Blog: This has been a force in my year. I started the blog just before the end of last year, but this year, wow. I’ve been picked up by the San Diego Gay & Lesbian News, Lesbian.com, reached over 500 followers on FB, and over 150 on Twitter. My blog was even featured on MyLesbianRadio.com. Wow! On WordPress, I have had more than 37,000 views! Tons of folks are following my blog, receiving emails when I post something, and tons of people comment, like the posts, and reach out to me about the blog. I am so thankful!
    • Recognition: For the first time in my life, I was given two different national awards. Both of them center on being an out and proud lesbian. I was overwhelmed, honored, and very proud.

    This year was nothing short of life changing. In several distinct ways, 4 to be exact – that I can think of.fb year in review

    • The international travel. It is really amazing to see the bigger picture of what life is about on this planet. To experience buildings that are older than my country. To meet people from other parts of the world who have such different, and wonderful, viewpoints. You cannot travel and not be changed – for the better – by what you see, hear, learn and experience.
    • My yoga retreat & adventure in Cabo San Lucas. Both were really amazing. So much so, that I didn’t talk about either on my blog. I keep my stuff basically to the funny – beer, fashion, quirks about femmes and us butches. I never reveal deep squishy stuff. On the yoga retreat I learned a lot about myself and it helped a great deal to prepare me for the rest of my year. My adventure to Cabo San Lucas was the same for me.
    • Becoming single. It’s been a long time since I was single, and I have been learning at light speed about myself. ‘Nuff said.
    • Strength. I have learned this year, through some solo travel, some difficult experiences, and lots of time in the gym that I can literally do anything. Walk down the street alone in a foreign country? Done. Renegade rows? Done. Pay for stuff in Euros? Of course. Climb the side of a mountain and then rappel 100 feet? You betcha! Come on Life, bring it. I am strong! Can you hear me roaring?

    Seriously, thank you for being with me this year. For those of you that were here all year, hooray! For those of you that are new, welcome!

    I really hope the Mayans are wrong. I am learning too much. Having way too much fun. I have so much more to do, see, learn, and experience for it to be the end of the world. I need time to get my game on, to try and be suave and charming, and *gulp* date. I’m not done yet! But if the Mayans are right, so be it. It was a great ride, and this year, in particular! If they are wrong, watch out!

    It’s butch to think back over your year and take stock. Be butch.


    Water Ballet. Yes. Ballet.

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    On my recent trip to Cabo San Lucas, I spent one dreadful hour doing something called “water aerobics.”

    I have never done “water aerobics” before. Indeed, I thought they were just for older people, much older. But, there I was drinking by the pool with my new lesbian friends – who are awesome, btw. Super awesome. Anyway, there I was drinking beer and mojitos (oh my god, the mojitos were to die for), and the cruise director lad announces that it’s time for “water aerobics.” I start to swim to my lounge chair and drink, when I realize that two of my new friends are in. My lesbian friends. The ones that I want to think I am cool. You know? You are on vacation and you meet new people that you like, and you think, I want to get along. Be easy going. Not all obstreperous and difficult. So, if they are in, maybe I should be.

    Plus, I’m drinking and eating on this trip. Sure, everyday there is lots of activity, exercise and adventure. But, a little extra cardio? Grab it! So, I decide that I am in. I stand next to my new friends and they don’t look uncomfortable. I do, of course.

    The music starts and I think, ok, maybe this will be ok. The music is good. The cruise instructor lad tells us to start bouncing – like running in place. Alright. I start to run. But soon there is some odd stretching and a bit of dancing. I think, hmmm, if this gets much more dancey, I might turn straight. Or, at least into Esther Williams. But, I said I was in, so I keep working at it.

    The music is good, but the moves make me feel lame. It’s not the cruise instructor’s fault; he’s a doll and good at his job. But still, I feel super lame. So, I decide to do what I do best, clown around and goof off. I start dancing like I am at a club – instead of doing the exact prescribed move. My friends laugh. I feel better. Other people in the class laugh. It’s like I’ve let them know that I am not comfortable waiving my arm in that super-feminine-more-like-drag-queen-way, but I want to stay with you, and they appreciate it.

    After that, it’s on. I do the moves I can do with ease, and those that are weird, I goof off. Making up new dance steps like I am Usher. I am amused. My friends seem engaged, and I am able to stay with the class. Get some exercise. Not be obstreperous. All is well.

    I kid you not that at the end of the class we all got into a circle and spun around with our legs up in the air. It was right out of an Esther Williams movie. OMG, my worst fears had been realized! Only, they hadn’t. By then, I was fine. I was having fun – doing the exercises and goofing off. Enjoying my new friends. By then, I was willing to feel foolish. And, I did feel foolish. But, I did it. I did the most lame, goofiest, drag-queeniest exercise hour ever. And, you know what? I had fun doing water ballet!

    It’s butch to try new things and feel uncomfortable – even in water ballet. Be Butch.

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    WANTED: FEMME FOR BUTCH

    Wanted-Ad-Banner_Black

    This one is long. Grab a beer or coffee before reading. Go ahead, I’ll wait… Welcome back! Ready?

    I’ve been single for 4 months, and I’ve been thinking that I might be ready to go out. For a while now, friends have been asking, “Can I set you up?” “Are you ready, Butch?” The answers are maybe and no. Maybe I am ready to be set up on a date. I might be ready to spend some time with someone – and by “spend time with someone” I mean have sex. But, am I ready for a relationship? No. I suppose I could be, but I’ve been trying to be good at being alone; focusing on the pause and clearing out my mind and heart. I’m hoping to be a better me when the next woman strolls into my life. Butch 2.0.

    But the questions have been followed by… “What are you looking for?” “What’s the future Mrs. Butch like? Why not write it down?” Ok. I have come up with a pretty good list, but that’s pretty boring. Instead, how about a butch classified ad? What would my ad say? I’m pretty sure this woman doesn’t exist, so there should be no harm in pretending and, er, fantasizing about her. Ahem.

    wanted-sign

    ME:

    • Big, tall, and strong. 5’10, close to running back size, but slower. Much slower. Mohawk, bleached blonde. Brown eyes, devilish (I’m told) and alternately confused, puppy dog, or hungry when looking at you. No makeup – other than occasional guyliner. Freckles, lots. Pale without sun. Big, strong hands with callouses from rowing and lifting. Body in progress, but also in its 40s.
    • Smart. Quick on my feet. Hard to argue with but frequently wrong – although I’m irritatingly slow to admit it. [Note: I have plenty of flaws, but I don’t need to point those out in my ad, right?] Good in front of people and crowds. This turns you on. Funny, an embarrassing amount of anecdotes and analogies. Professional, a lawyer. Lots of work obligations, meetings with people, some of whom are attractive and engaging.
    • Stylish. Fashion is key. Think bow ties, skinny ties, knit ties, jackets, flashy dress shirts, cuff links, boots, skinny jeans, and skulls on choice items. Bracelets, earrings, belts, watches, cologne, pedicures, massages. Cargo shorts are for hiking and carrying cargo.
    • Serious about the gym, be-about-it-serious, not talk-about-it-serious. A fanatic about all kinds of theater (I even like opera), especially musicals. You too, but fanaticism not required. Golf, swimming, kayaking, hiking, mountain biking, movies, coffee shops, shopping. Travel to local and exotic places is key. A 5-star resort is OK as long as we sometimes kayak and camp along the river. Mexican food. Craft beer.
    • A devoted mother to two kids who are mostly adorable and wonderful. Although not with them all the time, I am always their mother. Very connected to my parents who are close.
    • Strong, intimidating and tough to the whole world except for you and the kids.

    YOU:

    • Smaller and shorter than me. Small enough for me to pick you up and carry you over puddles…into bed. Curvy. Any color hair is cool, long and full enough to put up in a ponytail and tuck behind your ears. Eyes, full of wonder, joy at the world, depth. Eyes that can see me for who I am and love all you see. Skin, pale, tan, or dark. Make up – please, especially lipstick and sexy eye shadow. Not all the time, but not just special occasions. Body, soft and full in the right places, comfortable and fit, not a freak about food (everyone needs a potato chip now and then) or obtuse about it (kale, what’s that?). Healthy. You turn heads when you walk down the street. I like it. Mid 30s to early 40s.
    • Attitude unguarded and confident. Kind, steady. Patient and balanced. Slow to anger. Quick to forgive. Trusting. Fun, good sense of humor and laugh easily. Good listener. Comfortable in a group and can hold your own. Easy-going, confident. College, I think, but other than that any profession that allows you to support yourself. Veterinarian? Business woman? Adventure guide? Sea World trainer? Ballet dancer? Supportive of me and my career, as I will be of yours.
    • Stylish and put together. Dresses, skirts, lots of dresses. Blouses and necklaces, dangly earrings, rings, accessorize! Heels often enough for me to fuel my fantasies. Jeans, yes, of course. And my dress shirts with nothing on underneath. Yoga attire is appreciated and distracting. Lingerie welcomed as gifts and worn – even under jeans. Sweats are only for the house and exercise. You smell good, your skin alone and your perfume.
    • You like the adventure activities I like, plus? The more the better. Music, you are musical – play something, can sing. Maybe an artist. If you are crafty, that’s something you’ll mostly do alone. You’re good with that. You like beer, or at least tolerate it happily. You like to go out and be with friends or go out with just me often. It’s awesome if you cook. Love of travel and adventure is a must. We’ll try things and explore together. You read a book every now and then. You tolerate my gadget fanaticism. You make me see chick flicks (I will pout), but you’ll see Bond movies and The Hobbit, and anything with explosions, car chases, and sexy women. And occasionally, porn. =:o)
    • No kids for you. Or, maybe you have kids, but no new kids for us together. Maybe you always wanted them but didn’t meet the right woman, were busy in school or the service. Maybe you have kids that are almost grown. You like that I am a mother, like the softness the kids bring out in me. You don’t want to be their mom (no need for another), but you enjoy them and being part of their lives. You understand my kids have another family. You know we must communicate and coordinate. It gives us lots of alone time.
    • Feminine. People sometimes underestimate your strength, but I never will.

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    US:

    • I don’t want a wife, but I don’t want an exotic dancer either. You take care of me sometimes; you see me as a woman (and I am comfortably a woman) and look forward to expressing that. You don’t initiate often, but you are happy I do. I will initiate a lot. You will almost always say yes.
    • We aren’t threatened by each other’s past – unless you dated Rachel Maddow, Ellen, or kd lang. I might be threatened then. I am in my 40s, there have been significant women in my life. I prefer “history” to “baggage.” You accept that I care about other women, especially my ex.
    • I’ll always be ready before you, but the way you look when you’re ready will make it worth it.
    • I’ll hold your bags and sit on the dude couch while you shop.
    • I’ll bring you flowers and you will swoon over them.
    • I’ll take out the trash/carry the groceries/kill the bugs unless you want to do these things yourself.
    • I’ll carry your bags, but not because you can’t.
    • I’ll be confused sometimes when you explain your feelings, but I’ll try really hard to understand.
    • You’ll find me a special kind of beer I’ve never had and I will swoon.
    • I’ll wear any tie you pick out for me, as long as you wear that dress I bought you.
    • I will carry your lipstick and ID in my ample pockets when we go out and your women’s clothes suck in the pocket department – but excel in the cleavage department.
    • I’ll carry your kayak to the water and you’ll be ok with getting your hair wet.
    • I’ll always open doors for you. Always.
    • We won’t be happy every second, but there will be much more good than bad.
    • You will always see the best in me, and never assume the worst.
    • When you look up at me, I’ll pretend to be strong when I’m melting inside.

    If this is you, email me at notachanceinhell@butchisdelusional.com.

    I don’t expect to be lucky enough to find this woman. I’ve been looking but haven’t found her yet. If I had, she would still be mine and I’d be writing a thank you note to the Universe instead of a classified ad. To the Universe, I say: “On the off chance that we really do put into the world what we want and it comes to us… please mix up a batch of this impossible-to-exist femme and send her my way. Not tomorrow, or even next week, because I want to be ready. That will be soon.”

    And to you, this mystical, amazing femme, I say: “I will be ready for you. And if you do show up, I will never let you go. Ever.”

    It’s butch to open yourself up to love again. Be butch.


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