Touch Your Lips, Hold Our Gaze & Other Femme Tactics

In my last post, I wrote about my own frustration in finding our beloved femmes when geography isn’t the roadmap. This post generated more likes, comments, retweets and shares than most. Apparently, our femmes are even more frustrated than I am.

Yikes! Butches, they are throwing themselves at you (not me, I would notice), and still being ignored or dismissed by you (not me, I never ignore a femme). And, they are pissed. I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be for a lovely femme to head out for the evening all gorgeous and femme-like and to have no butch even talk to her because they’ve dismissed her as straight. Argh.

I asked these Femmes what were their best moves for being noticed by us. Below are the most popular strategies they shared. Butches: take note! Femmes: perhaps you can incorporate a new move from your femme sisters.

1. Longer Than Polite Eye Contact

Gaze at your Target Butch (“TB”). Bat your lovely mascara’d eyelashes at her. Be sure you make eye contact and hold her gaze for a moment longer than normal.

Note to make sure you smile; you don’t want to appear to be staring in disgust or judgement. You don’t want to get lumped into that probably large basket of folks who gawk or stare at the TB (including me, as I definitely get this one).

2. Stare, Smile, Stare

This one particularly caught my attention. The play is to make eye contact with the TB, smile, look down and then look back up at her. Meow. If she’s watching, it sounds pretty powerful – it will work on me for sure. How about you?

3. Arm Touching, Leg Grazing, Hair Pulling

Touch the TB’s arm with little excuse, like laughing at her joke or something she’s said. Depending on the forum, (like sitting at a bar) you might touch her thigh – sending a laser signal to her. Basically, the message is if a femme can find a reason to touch the TB, she should do so. TB: Pay Attention! If she touches you, there’s probably something more there.

One femme even admitted pulling her TB’s hair. She’s a stylist so there was a good excuse, but still… Take me home!

4. Appropriate Stalking

Shop, get coffee, check out books, drop off your bike for repairs when TB is working. Also, work out when she does, join a group she likes. Sure it’s stalking, but in an entirely appropriate way. The hope is that the sheer number of sightings and contacts will wake the TB, and us in general, up.

5. Rainbows & Unicorns

Wear a visible one somewhere: bracelet, ring, necklace, cell phone case (make a call), sticker on your car. Unless you drive a Subaru, then no sticker needed.

Several lamented the need to tattoo “FEMME” on their foreheads. Sigh. Would be such a shame to mar those lovely faces. Now, you could tattoo that in a few other places and I think that would be just fine…

Where was I? Oh yes, number 6.

6. Hello! Outright Flirting

Plenty of Femmes said this was necessary and that it works. Apparently, we are dumb as posts at times, and the sure fire way is to say hello and give your number or ask her for coffee.

The answer is yes, by the way, I’d love to have coffee.

7. Drop the L Word

Say something lesbian or gay. Drop that subtle hint. Did you see that Portia has new hair? How about the President’s speech – go gays! Or I was just reading this cool butch blog the other day…

Super obvious way to signal you are lesbian, and thus a femme. That is, unless TB mistakes you for a supportive straight. Perhaps it’s best to pair this one with any other strategy to minimize the possibility of confusion on TB’s part. Remember, we have slightly more testosterone (sounds right even if it’s not) and that makes us dumber. Plus, you are pretty so we can’t concentrate.

8. The Hair Tuck

Find an opportune moment, preferably whenTB is looking, and tuck your lovely hair behind your lovely ear. This will draw TB’s attention to your ear and neck, encourage noticing of the hair/face/eyes/neck. All good things.

If possible, do it with your hand that sports a rainbow bracelet or ring. If not, do it while holding the TB’s gaze. Now, we’re off to the races.

9. Secret Handshake

We need a signal. Something secret that we all can recognize. If this blog were popular enough, I might be doing some real good here by suggesting this. But, it’s not. Who cares? Let’s agree on a signal for us cool kids.

Touching the side of your nose? Too Santa.

Winking? Too BBC and Benny Hill.

Hair flipping (which is different from the hair tuck)? Too common, hot though. Please feel free to do this liberally.

Sticking your tongue out? Too forward and could be embarrassing.

The Macarena? Too 90’s

How about brushing your lips with your two forefingers briefly (like Quentin is doing below)? That’s subtle enough not to stand out to any Muggles who happen to see, but just sexy enough to catch our attention. Certainly, it would catch my attention. It’s worth a shot! Even if TB doesn’t know the signal, touching your lips is usually hot, so where’s the downside?

And lastly, I note one butch’s comment… Hit on whoever you are attracted to. If she’s not a femme, fine. Her point is men don’t care if their target woman is gay, they make a move. Women flirt without knowing if a guy is gay or straight. Why the extra burden on ourselves? The world is our oyster, Butches.

See her, flirt with her. Done. She’ll either be open to it or not. If not, she’s likely to be flattered. As long as you’re not flirting with Michelle Bachmann or anyone at a Republican or conservative church gathering, there’s probably pretty low risk.

For another look into how us Butches see this dilemma, check out this blog over at CardCarryingLesbian.

It’s butch to let us Butches know you’re interested, lovely Femmes. Be Butch.


About Tristan Higgins, aka Butch Jaxon

I am a butch. This blog is about what I think. If you do not know what butch means, you are probably on the wrong blog. In the interests of inclusion, though, I can tell you that “butch” means a lesbian that is big, strong, tough, more macho, less girly. Of course, there are no hard and fast rules – which is an ongoing theme in my blog (and in the comments), but those are the basics. A butch will most likely not wear makeup. A butch is often referred to as “sir” by someone who is not paying attention. What else? I am, after all, not just a butch. I am happily married to the most amazing woman ever, and the mother of two fantastic kids. I am also a lover of, in no particular order, beer, bow ties, breasts, movies, hiking, bookstores, travel, dogs, geocaching, polar bears, the gym, music, gadgets, and more. By day, I am an intrepid corporate entertainment lawyer. Although I try hard not to be labeled as such – sporting a bleached Mohawk, for example. Think more entertainment and less corporate. By night, bring it all on! In my blog, I talk about things from a butch perspective, but this is not just for butches. We all love our femmes. Please do not let me offend femmes, mine in particular! If you like what you read here, I hope you will comment and let me know what you think. If you do not like what you read, well, what the hell do I care? Start your own blog. Be Butch. View all posts by Tristan Higgins, aka Butch Jaxon

26 responses to “Touch Your Lips, Hold Our Gaze & Other Femme Tactics

  • Bejai

    I really liked the point that everyone faces rejection, so go for it! I was all dolled up recently and a lovely woman approached me in the Ladies’ room. She asked if I was with that guy in the tux. I said Yes. She said she thought so but would have never forgiven herself if she did not at least TRY. I thanked her for the lovely compliment and walked out of there on feet that hardly touched the floor! I was enormously flattered, not offended. Go for it ladies!!


  • tinycorners

    oh, you know I love this post. you butch, you. ( insert picture of me with two fingers over my lips here)


  • Lisa

    It’s true and it works. Why are butches so dense to know that girls are interested in them? The hair pulling works great, even 1.5 yrs later with the gf. I just had to be blunt after I tried the flirting, constant texting. In the end I pulled her hair, she asked why. I told her “because I like you dummy”.


  • Pucker Up Buttercup

    I was directed to your blog after I put up a post lamenting the loss of my lesbian mojo. But perhaps there’s hope after all … smiling, eye-contact, hair pulling (niiiice), leg grazing, stalking, flirting … sounds like I may just need to get back up to speed on sending out more overt signals. Gonna have to skip the rainbows and unicorns though, I do have my limits.

    Thanks! I’m sure your advice will help in my quest to regain my mojo.


  • Belle

    I am all too familiar with this-after once being asked to leave a lesbian bar “Coz i’m obviously straight and just here to fuck people up” well i gave up after that. Found my gorgeous girl online and never have I been to another lesbian bar, nor do I attend any kind of events ever. Something to be said for invisibility of femmes? we cop shit for looking how we do-and that is different from butches copping shit for how they look in only one way-that the shit they cop doesn’t come from the very people who should understand that we all have to be who we are.


    • Butch Jaxon


      That’s obnoxious and should never happen. I’m sorry. How wonderful that you’ve found your love though. Thank you for commenting and sharing.



      • Belle

        Aw, thanks! I have commented on almost all lesbian blogs i can find and no one has ever been nice enough to comment back, so thank you, its much appreciated!


      • Butch Jaxon


        Really? That is very surprising to me. I am super appreciative whenever anyone takes the time to share a thought. It’s an honor that you would like (or dislike) what I wrote enough to take your time to say something about it. Thank you again!



  • kp

    I was cracking up at this post. I love the QT lip thing!!!


  • barbaralsharpe

    While I’m not ACTUALLY going to get anything tattooed on my forehead, I forgot that I have a great way to let butches know I’m femme: I write a blog called Femme Fairy Godmother!! That’s a handy “outing myself” tool. 🙂


  • Joe V

    So Many highlights here, Butch… Love “Appropriate Stalking”… we need an eCard on that one… so great… and who knew that more than just guys were clueless when it comes to this stuff.. so listen up Femmes.. do all but hit’em over the head with sexiness, charm and the occasional hair flip (or pull…) I’m glad to know it ain’t just us men who are slow to get it… great forum for learning.


  • Raye

    Thanks for the shout out to my blog on Card CarryingLesbian. I really enjoyed this one. Great fun reading it!


  • Vulnerable Verbiage

    Blagh! Joys of blogosphere…the community is much smaller than real life! Well done, Butch, as always.


  • A Spare Mind

    Two finger lip brush! Genius! Although I desire for all the B community to know I am a constant admirer, I do hope that my sudden and abundant commenting, here, falls under the “appropriate” stalking category. ha! Great post!


  • Femme_Metale

    I’m blunt. Going out? Looks like I’ll be wearing my “FEMME” shirt, fishnets, and doc martens.


  • Yoly

    Me, it’s a look, a smile, maybe a comment about that nice hair cut, tie or those cool [hot!] boots. AlI I’m saying is you look cute, I like you. 🙂


  • kingz

    All i can do is hope and pray this works..its hard to find a decent loyal fem interested n me n only me

    Liked by 1 person

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