Tag Archives: Gay Marriage

Valentine’s Day Redux: How Not To Spend It Alone

This is an updated version of a post that first ran 2 years ago. It is as applicable today as it was then.

Attention butches!  This is a public service announcement for Valentine’s Day. What’s that, you say?  It’s almost two weeks away?  A whole 9 days?  No need to worry about that yet. You have plenty of time. WRONG!

Please allow me to give you some advice. Let me offer some tidbits I have learned while loving a femme. You need to get ready. NOW. Not 8 days from now, because your girl will know. How will she know?  I don’t know, but trust me they ALWAYS know. And you will feel the full wrath of your girl if you do not prepare.

A special note for you married butches: Do not assume Valentines Day does not apply to you anymore. Sure, you aren’t doing a full court press as you were when you were dating, but you still love her, right? You still want her to feel special, right? This applies to you, too.

Ok, first do not tell me that she is the kind of woman who doesn’t care about Valentine’s Day. Its simply not true. Even if you have heard her say one or more of the following:

1. I don’t care about Valentine’s Day

2. I don’t need anything special

3. I don’t want you to go to any trouble

4. I don’t want you to spend too much money

5. It’s just a stupid Hallmark holiday

6. Flowers are a waste of money; they just die

7. I don’t need any more jewelry

8. Who needs chocolate and teddy bears

These are lies. All lies. Every single one of them. Do not believe her!  Why does she say these things if she doesn’t mean them?  Well, apart from her being a femme, you mean?  I don’t know. Why do femmes say most of what they say?  It could be that she is trying to convince herself of any one of these statements. Perhaps she knows from past experience that you will let her down and she is preparing herself to lessen the blow when another Valentine’s Day comes and goes and she is left with a meaningless card and a lame little teddy bear from 7-11. Whatever the reason, ignore her.

Hopefully, I have convinced you that you must do something – that you must decide on a plan of action and put it in play now.  If so, you may be thinking, “Butch, what should I do?” Read on.

The bad news is that there is not one size that fits all women.  The good news is there are lots of great options and they can be divided into 7 easy-to-understand categories. Fit it into one of these, and you will be golden. Note that only a couple are expensive; at least four of these can be affordable, so not being loaded is no excuse to neglect your femme on Valentine’s Day.  Unless you want to be neglected, that is.

1. Thoughtful. Think mushy. Put together a collage of ticket stubs from shows you’ve been to together, throw in a matchbook from a place you ate at that she loved. What’s that you say?  It looks like crap?  Doesn’t matter. Gather a bunch of papers and little mementos from your life together this past year, glue it on construction paper around a picture of the two of you and she will positively swoon. You’ll see. You can also add the high value presentation gifts here from places like Shutterfly and Moonpig. These websites let you upload your photos, type your message, add as much flash as you like, and presto! They will create a customized card, poster, t-shirt, you name it for you. You’ll need to expedite shipping now – so hurry.

2.  Hard. Intricate or detailed works, too. Create a scavenger hunt to take her to all of your favorite couple’s spots around town.  Recreate the first date you had. Take her to the same restaurant with the same walk on the beach.  Or, order in the same food, and rent the movie you saw on that first date or the day you asked her to marry you.  Take the time to set the table.  It is crazy how much women love a set table.  If you drop a few candy hearts or flower petals on the table, watch out!  Find that special kind of cookie/champagne/cheese/liverwurst (if she loves it, who cares what it is?) that you had on your honeymoon/first date/trip to Scotland, and order it online. You need time for this to be delivered. This will tell her: a) you pay attention enough to know she likes ____, b) you took the time to order it especially for her, and c) you love her enough to plan ahead. Yes, planning = love.  Do not try to make too much sense out of it, just trust me.

3. Expensive.  Buy her something amazing – something she wants. Diamonds.  Silver.  Pearls.  Think Nicole Kidman from Moulin Rouge and you will be on the right track.  Please, please, please do NOT buy her expensive lingerie from La Perla – unless she has asked for this. That is a gift for you. How happy would you be if your girl gave you sexy lingerie that she would wear for you?  Right?  So that’s not your gift to her.  Think jewelry, a trip somewhere, perfume, shoes, a nice bag – all good choices.  Clothes: do not buy clothes. Unless she tells you EXACTLY what to get, you run the risk of buying something she hates, or buying her the wrong size. You really cannot win here.  Too small?  “What the hell makes you think I can fit into that? If you’re looking for a woman this skinny, why are you with me?”  Too big? “Just exactly how fat do you think I am?”  Or for either, the worst is, “You don’t know me at all!”  No, no clothes.

4. Flashy or Showy.  This is where flowers fall – at least if you have them sent to her work.  Remember that one of the best things about Valentine’s Day is being able to show off your butch or guy.  Flowers at work say to all of her coworkers, “I have someone who loves me enough to send me flowers.”  Translation, my butch is better than yours.  Send a giant bouquet of flowers to her office so she can show you off.  Roses are great if she likes them, but they are really expensive this time of year, so if she loves another flower, send those.  It will look creative and save you some cash.  Do not leave the card up to the college kid at the flower shop.  Put something on there that will make her smile or show her you love her.  Don’t worry about the college kid writing it down.  He isn’t trying to keep your woman happy, so who cares what he thinks?

5. The Event.  Drinks.  Dinner.  A club (even dancing, gasp!).  A movie at the fancy theater, museum, or exhibit that she has been looking forward to seeing.  Note that you can earn extra points and make her feel extra special by doing something that you do not want to do.  Think indie film, chick flick, an exhibit on purses throughout the ages, a flower show … you get the idea.  Or, by getting you into somewhere that is difficult – the “it” restaurant or club.  Plan ahead and get a table.  Remember, planning = love.

6. Manual Labor.  Yes, that’s right.  Along the lines of “The Event” category, do some things for her that you hate to do.  Do the dishes, put away the laundry, clean the house – all before she gets home from work.  Tell her that you are taking her car that morning and go have it serviced and detailed for her.  There are probably a slew of things that your woman would be ecstatic about if you did them for her.  This does not mean that you can do something dude-like that you should already have been doing and call it a Valentine’s Day present.  Do not  unload the dishwasher or clear the table, or for guys, put down the toilet seat, and announce that as your gift.  Poof! Now you’re single.

7. Pampering.  Think manicures, pedicures and massages.  Give her a gift certificate to the spa for the day.  Or… paint her toenails yourself.  I promise that if you rub her feet and then do this for her, she will melt.  Also, a massage is fool-proof.  Tell her that her gift is a massage, and that you do not expect one in return.  Then go all out.  Light candles, turn on music, and give the massage.  Extra touches are key.  Remember, she needs to feel special.  The harder it is for you and the more awkward that you feel doing it, the better!

So pick one of these 7 categories – at least one. More than one is platinum. You have to make her feel special. Girls need to know that you thought hard, planned carefully, or spent a lot of time or money on them.  No matter which of the above options you choose, you MUST write a card. Do not rely on the pre-printed text alone, even if you think it says exactly what you want to say, only better than you would say it. Sure, the card itself is important, so choose wisely. Stick with romantic or cute – make sure it’s not for your grandmother.  But add your own spin to it.  Love her eyes? Great, tell her.  Love her body?  Only tell her that if you add stuff about her heart and mind, too.  She doesn’t think purely physical, so neither should you.

Ignore me at your peril. Butches and straight guys:  take care of your woman if you want her, and therefore you, to be happy.  She might want totally different things than you do, but that’s part of why you love her.  A card and little teddy bear from 7-11 says exactly what you do not want to say — I did not have time/love you enough/care enough to do something special for you.  Get your act together and show her how much you love her!  And, if your woman sent you this post, you better take note, get busy and use this as a checklist.

Prove how butch you are by showing her how much you love her.  Want to make sure that you do not end up alone on Valentine’s Day?  It’s up to you.

It’s butch to make your femme feel really special on Valentine’s Day. Be butch.


Suck It, Biggots!

Biggots in 5 states are looking at Fox News today and shaking their heads. What the …? Equality is contagious, you see. You can’t start treating people equally – as they deserve – with dignity in one, two, three, four, five, six states and expect everyone else to just lump it.

What did you think? Did you really think that you could just throw enough money at the issue, keep trying to scare people and We would forget? Go away? Accept less?

You see, I demand to be treated equally. I demand that for me, my love, my kids, my family, my friends, my neighbors. But…

I also demand that for you, your love, your kids, your family, your friends, your neighbors. Even though I don’t know you. I may not even like you. But still I demand this. For all of us. Even the biggots.

I want equality for you, too. That’s what America is all about. If you don’t like it, suck it.

http://www.lgbtqnation.com/2014/10/u-s-supreme-court-denies-marriage-appeals-from-five-states/

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DOMA Struck Down! Prop 8 is Dead!

We won. Any gay couple legally married in a state will now be recognized by Feds (1138 more rights). Prop 8 was properly decided by Judge Van Walker. Let the marriages begin! We should be ecstatic. Yes, work to do, but don’t let that diminish our joy today. America is more equal today than it was yesterday.


Any Monday in June

Hi everybody,

What’s up? It’s one of those times where I want to say hi, want to write something brilliant, but I have no brilliance in me just now. Has this ever happened to you? That is, of course if I ever have brilliance in me.

My point is… What is my point? Well, I want to say hi. Want to write. But, alas, I’ve nothing interesting or pressing or important to say. Maybe y’all will just have to wait another week, like say till next Monday.20130618-085431.jpgYes, I’ll post something interesting, passionate, or funny next Monday. Oh, or maybe the Monday after that. Who knows. You don’t mind waiting do you?

No, I’m sure you don’t because this blog is fun and fluff. My goal is to entertain and maybe do some good along the way. But what about you, Supreme Court Justices? We want to hear from you. For some, our lives, loves, and families depend on hearing from you. Or more specifically, hearing the right thing from you.

You said on a Monday in June. We held our collective breath on the first Monday in June. Then again on the second. Now the third Monday in June has come and gone. You are running out of Mondays in June. In fact, there is only one Monday remaining, June 24th.

COME ON!

We will all (equal rights supporters and haters) be holding our breath next Monday.

It’s butch to be just and do the right thing for equality. Supreme Court Justices, I beg you… Be Butch.


Why 8 was Enough & Still is

Posted this last year, before the Supremes chose to take the Prop 8 and DOMA cases. Slightly out of date, but still good history for those who are curious.

ButchOnTap

Note:  This is a factual and opinionated blog about political stuff, not so funny as I like to think I normally am.  Forgive me.

So, as a lawyer and one of the leaders of my company’s LGBT group, I sometimes get asked to help explain what is happening with Prop 8.  Certainly, the events of last week need explaining for many of us – me included.   I was able to explain it to my kids without research.  It went something like this:  Another even higher court told the people who hate us that they are still wrong and Mommy and her fiancé will be able to get married soon!  I cannot even use the word stepmom legitimately, yet.  Anyway, I did not feel comfortable explaining last week’s events to anyone (other than my kids), until I did some research of my own and read the full court opinion. Now that I have done…

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Why 8 is Enough Already.

Note:  This is a factual and opinionated blog about political stuff, not so funny as I like to think I normally am.  Forgive me.

So, as a lawyer and one of the leaders of my company’s LGBT group, I sometimes get asked to help explain what is happening with Prop 8.  Certainly, the events of last week need explaining for many of us – me included.   I was able to explain it to my kids without research.  It went something like this:  Another even higher court told the people who hate us that they are still wrong and Mommy and her fiancé will be able to get married soon!  I cannot even use the word stepmom legitimately, yet.  Anyway, I did not feel comfortable explaining last week’s events to anyone (other than my kids), until I did some research of my own and read the full court opinion. Now that I have done that, I thought I might do a little synopsis here so that I can share it with folks.  If it helps you, please feel free to share it with whomever you like.  The more we all understand about this, the better.

First, a procedural refresher.  Now, don’t get scared.  It’s just a bit of history; although I am going to skip some steps, because if I didn’t this blog would really only be suited for a law school exam, and, I would probably get something wrong (which I might do anyway).  So let me stick to the basics.

Amy met Eve.  Amy and Eve wanted to get married.  Amy and Eve cannot get married in California because of a foul bill called Prop 8 [cue the awful, scary music that comes before someone gets killed in a slasher movie] which purported to amend the Constitution so that Eve could only marry Adam.  This happened, by the way, after a California court ruled that the state could not deny Amy and Eve the right to marry – it was unconstitutional in California.  This is great news for Adam and Steve and 17,999 of their closest friends who rushed to the altar or courthouse and got legally married.  Victory in California, right?  Wrong.  Enter Dastardly Do-Wrongs and his Four Friends; let’s call them the “Haters.”  The Haters [cue appropriate music, you can hear it, right?] decide that if it is unconstitutional in California to deny Amy and Eve the right to get married, let’s just change the constitution.  This is very similar to playing a game on the playground with a kid who does not like that you beat them at the game you are playing and so they change the rules.  That is what the Haters tried to do with Prop 8 – change the rules so that Amy and Eve can once again not get married.

Now, Amy can only marry Steve (ignore the fact that Steve is already married to Adam – they are still legally married, but none of their friends can get married).  And Adam can only marry Eve.  Maybe, if Amy and Adam cannot marry those that they love, no one should be able to get married!  Ridiculous, right?  There are plenty of folks that think marriage as a legal construct should go away entirely.  Now, that is radical!  At least us gays are only trying to get in on the gig, not make it go away entirely.

Amy and Eve sue Governor Terminator (once again an actor) and Attorney General Brown (now our Governor) in Federal court when they were denied a marriage license by the State.  The Terminator and his main attorney hated the fact that Amy and Eve cannot get married, so they refused to defend the suit.  This was great news for Amy and Eve and all of those who love them, or who don’t know them, but love equality and fairness.  Hooray!  No one to defend the foul Prop 8 means truth and justice wins, right?  “No!,” the Haters said.  We are the ones who started the foul Prop 8 in the first place, so we want to defend its dishonor. 

[Then there was some weird jockeying between the Federal court and the State court, and lots of battles over “standing” to sue (aka the right to bring a case in court), judges recusing themselves, and court video being released, including an opinion on the video by the Supreme Court of the United States (or the “Supremes,” as I like to call them).  None of that matters to the outcome, though.  Eventually, years later, the Federal court said, “Fuck off to the Haters; Adam and Steve, you boys can get married!  Right after all of the rest of the appeals, that is.”]

So, what did the Federal court say the first time around?  It found that the foul Prop 8 was unconstitutional for two reasons:
1.      It deprives Amy and Eve the fundamental right to marry, which is guaranteed by the Due Process Clause, and
2.      It excludes Amy and Eve from state-sponsored marriage while allowing Adam and Eve (or Amy and Steve) access to that honored status, in violation of the Equal Protection Clause.

Thank you, Judge Walker!  I hope your retirement is awesome.  You have certainly changed history with your well-reasoned, Regan-appointed ruling.  That’s right.  Judge Walker is not a flaming liberal out here in California, the land of the fruits and nuts.  Judge Walker is a Republican-appointed, well-respected, conservative jurist.  No matter what happens down the road, Judge Walker’s decision is a landmark for the LGBT community, or I should say, the civil rights movement – all civil rights movements.

The Haters were unhappy with Judge Walker’s ruling [Surprise!], so they appealed.  The Federal court of appeals (3 more judges) heard arguments in the case and just ruled – once again – that Prop 8 is illegal and unconstitutional.  The Haters and the 52% of Californians that they tricked into buying their extremist crap cannot deny Amy and Eve the right to get married in California.

The Federal court made its ruling on a very limited point, that:  Prop 8 singles Amy and Eve out for unequal treatment by taking away from them alone the right to marry, and this action amounts to a distinct constitutional violation because the Equal Protection Clause protects minority groups from being targeted for the deprivation of an existing right without legitimate reasons.  Courts like to make rulings in the most limited way, that is to say, they do not like to make sweeping statements like “that is wrong for everyone and no one can ever do it again, anywhere!”  They much prefer to say something like, “in this particular instance, that statute is wrong, and it cannot be used in California in that way that it was used.”

I am glad that this is what they said because it means a couple of things.  First, it means that the Supremes are less likely to hear this case on appeal.  Why bother using their limited resources on a case that only affects California?  The Supremes only hear 1% of the cases that are filed with them, anyway.  This limited ruling in California would be easy to overlook.  Second, it makes it less likely that even all of the Federal judges dealing with California and the other states in our district will want to hear another appeal.  This is called an “en banc” appeal.  You do not like the first ruling that one judge gave you?  Appeal to a panel of three judges.  What’s that?  You do not like the ruling that those three judges gave you?  Well, appeal to a panel of all the judges in that circuit – in California’s circuit, that would be a little less than 30 judges.  Again, there are some procedural tweaks here, but they are not really key to this blog.

So, where do we stand?  Can Amy and Eve start picking out china patterns, now that Prop 8 is once again illegal?  No.  Amy and Eve have to wait until the court orders the “mandate.”  This is akin to saying that the court will wait until the Haters have again had time to appeal.  I am sorry Ms. Parks, I know that the court said you have the right to ride in the front of the bus, but you will have to ride in the back of the bus a little longer – those racists in the white sheets need time to appeal.

Today, we are waiting for the Ninth Circuit to either issue an order finalizing the decision [Run and get married!] or for the Ninth Circuit to decide to have an en banc hearing – either because the Haters ask for it, or a judge or two on the circuit asks for it.  If there is no en banc hearing, we are one step closer to tying the knot.  But wait, the Haters have another try to keep Amy and Eve from getting married – they can ask the Supremes for help.  Stop!  In the name of love, before these gays get married… and what? Society as we know it ceases to function?

Basically, it could be early next year before we have the right to get married again, or it could be as late as 2014.  Remember that this is now THREE courts of different judges (one state court, and two federal courts) who have found the effort to keep Amy and Eve from getting married to be illegal and unconstitutional.  What the hell does a butch have to do in this state to marry her femme?!?

Enough already with the nonsense and unfairness of Prop 8.  Let’s move on.  It is going to happen.  Gays and Lesbians are going to get married, here and in every state.  All of this is just wasted time and money.  And it hurts.  A lot.  Enough!

I want to be able to don my tuxedo.  I want to be able to see my gorgeous fiancé in a stunning dress with her hair in an updo and her dress showing off her cleavage.  I want to send out invitations, argue about the number of attendants, how many guests, and just how stuffy the service will be.  I want to be able to get married.  I am not trying to take my straight friends marriages and break them up.  I am not trying to destabilize the tradition of marriage.  A tradition that includes Kim Kardashian being married for 72 days.  A tradition that includes people getting married on a reality TV show after a few weeks of dating.  I am trying to marry the love of my life.  Why on earth would anyone care to try to stop that?  Why are there not crowds of people lining up to support that?  Why isn’t everyone trying to get me to the church on time?  Why don’t I have the soap writing on the back of my car right now?

If you are gay, tell everyone you know that you should have the right to get married – to be happy or miserable till death do you part – just like everyone else.  If you are straight, tell all of your straight friends that they should not worry about gays marrying.  It is not like the gays are trying to make you gay!  We are trying to take ourselves off the market!

Stand up for equality.  People love each other and they want to tell the world.  That is what marriage does.  It is butch to care about equality.  It is butch to love.

Be butch.


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