Tag Archives: pockets

The Femme Faux Pas

Let’s talk about something light and fluffy on this Tuesday. The femme faux pas. What I am referring to here are things that our femmes do that are similar to our own butch fails (Butch Fails). But, since they are femmes, we would never call them that. They are femmes, after all, the kinder and gentler of our species. Dare I say that they never fail at anything? Femme faux pas seems better, though it’s hard to know what the plural is. So let’s just use “FFP.”

  1. Shy Cleavage: Not all femmes have cleavage in spades, but if you do and you don’t ever show it, that is a FFP. We need to see it sometimes. Actually, we probably want to see it all the time, but we don’t necessarily want you to show other people – so some discretion is required. It’s a tough balance. We get that.

    Wear this…

  2. Overlooking Quick Bow Tie Tying: Some of us butches take special pride in our bow ties, and for those of us who tie them ourselves (ahem), if we tie that perfect tie in a matter of seconds, you must notice. Not every time, of course, but often enough that we know you appreciate just how very butch we are.
  3. No Smokey Eye Makeup: We need you to wear that makeup proudly and generally try to keep up with the latest trends. The smokey eye is particularly sexy, I would go so far as to say, on every femme. Please learn how to do it, and please do it sometimes. It is super hot. No need to wear this or any make up every day, of course, but sometimes break out the special dark and stormy sexy look. But Butch, I don’t know how to do smokey eyes! You can find lots of instructional videos on YouTube; here’s one for beginners, for example: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_aqWD_9gH8. Or, go to Sephora. They will show you how. Butches, you are welcome.

    …Not this

  4. Granny Panties: Really? Nothing more needed here. FFP
  5. No Purse: We are happy to carry your stuff most of the time, in our ample pockets, but on special occasions, please carry a purse. Then, you can carry our stuff! There is a special exception here for Sporty Spice Femmes. We know that you will never or rarely carry a purse, and we will adjust. Can we at least borrow your chap stick sometimes?
  6. No Pre-Lipstick Kiss: Right, butches? She is getting ready in the morning, or before going out, and once the lipstick is applied, there is no chance in hell of getting a good kiss. “Butch, you’ll ruin my lipstick!”  So, the procedure should be, your femme gets ready, and then the last thing she does is apply that lovely lip lacquer. Just before doing so, she calls out to you (you are on the bed fully dressed, waiting for her, and killing time on Facebook or Twitter) to come and get a “pre-lipstick kiss.” You come bounding over like a giant Sheep Dog. If this does not happen and the lipstick is already on, it will be a while before you get a good kiss. Please don’t forget, femmes.

    No way you are getting anywhere near these lips until the end of the evening.

  7. Wrong Bra: This could really be anything related to the bra – ill fitting, old, sports bra, etc. We butches care a great deal about this particular part of your bodies, and so we also care a lot about the piece of magical clothing that protects this part of you. Please make sure that it fits you well, is flattering, is not old and gray, and is perhaps a sexy, lacy/satiny/cute cottony type number. You know, not something we would wear.
  8. Never Wearing Heels: Now, I am not a Neanderthal. No, I am an evolved butch, so I am not stupid, and I know that heels are torture devices. They hurt and are not easy to walk in. I get that heels are to be saved for special occasions for many femmes. No problem. But when those special occasions come around, will you please think about wearing them? If not, please wear them at home for us – even just for a short while…

    Image

    How about these?

  9. Too Many Pants: Pants are lovely. Pants are great for evolved women. Pants are practical. Pants can be flattering. Pants are perfect for every day wear. But, we butches would love to see you in a dress or skirt every now and then. Would that be alright?

So, even in pointing out – in a light and fluffy way – some of the shortcomings of a femme, I am left singing their praises. Ahh, the femme.  How about you, dear readers, can you think of any FFPs?

It is very butch to love your femme. Be butch.


Skinny Jeans: How Soon Can I Take Them Off?

In trying to keep up with the times, I have been forced to purchase a pair of skinny jeans. For any of you who are not familiar with the skinny jean, it is a tightly tailored or fitted jean that tapers dramatically at the ankle. This is the kind of jean that you tuck into your boots to show off that boot fetish that you might have.

It seems like a woman’s thing, because the pants are so tight. But I have seen plenty of men sporting the skinny jean. Well, not plenty, and they are all on television and magazine pages, but you get it. Men like Usher, the guys from Train, Russell Brand, the Jonas Brothers. My gorgeous fiancé assures me, however, that they are not just for rock stars, femmes, and comedians. They are for butches, too.

So, she just gave me an awesome pair of stylish combat boots as an early Mother’s Day gift, and I was intrigued by wanting to show them off. The fact that I wanted combat boots for Mother’s Day is further proof that I am a butch; the fact that my fiancé gave them to me is proof that I am one lucky S.O.B. Unless I intend to wear my new boots with shorts or, gasp, a skirt (no way in hell), it is time to consider a skinny jean to show off these cool boots. What to do, what to do? Off to The Gap.

I tried on a variety of their skinny offerings. Warning: they are not true to size, for all you butches and dudes out there wearing baggy, relaxed, or loose fit jeans. As it turns out, you will need to go up a size to sport the skinny jean. After some funny poses and maneuvers in the fitting room, I found a pair that seemed to fit. My fiancé assures me that they look good on me, and are flattering. And my boots look tough, badass, and all-around awesome.  (These are the actual boots in the photo.)

Trouble is…they are very uncomfortable. I mean, really. I wore them and sat on a stool. If I leaned back in the stool, I had to fight to keep from sliding off the stool. No matter how I sat, I had to worry about my ass hanging out the top. Crack is whack, right?  The skinny jean is so taught and tight, that it turns my body into a sort of stiff board – at least on the bottom. So, that’s fun, trying to keep from sliding off the stool or chair.  And, there is no room for adjusting or shifting. Honestly, I don’t know how you boys do it. I don’t have to worry about “adjusting” like you do, but even us butches occasionally get a wedgie. Just go commando to save yourself the trouble.

Plus, you know those pockets that I am so fond of? The ones that I like to use to carry everything I need – and my girl’s stuff? Yeah, well you can forget about them in the skinny jean. They exist, but what’s the point if the jeans are too tight to actually use the pockets? I made my wallet work, because, well…it’s my wallet, and I have to have it.  My lip stuff? Too weird in my front pocket. And my iPhone? I had to take the case off of it to fit it in my pocket.

Wearing my new skinny jeans would have to be this butch’s first experience with form over function. Fashion over any kind of utility. Much love and props to you girls for handling all this and looking so great for us butches and dudes!

Worn right (with combat boots, no ass crack), skinny jeans are butch. Be butch.


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