Tag Archives: Rachel Maddow

YES!

The votes are in. Recounts have been called for. Unscrupulous polling practices and redistricting have been dealt with. And the voting is final.

Not really, of course, but the votes are final. ButchWonders published the list of the Top 25 Most Powerful Butches as nominated and voted upon by her readers. As she explains in her post, its actually the Top 20. And, guess what?

I am indeed a powerful butch. Number 19, to be exact. Though my wife and kids would probably rank me closer to 3 or 4 (after kd lang and Ellen, natch).

I mean! Come on! I am on a list of women that includes Rachel Maddow, Ellen DeGeneres, kd lang, Lea Delaria, Ivan Coyote, Billie Jean King, and Martina Navratilova (just to name a few). I am delighted. Thank you all who voted. Seriously, no jokes. I am really excited. Thank you.

Be Butch. I certainly will keep doing so.


WANTED: FEMME FOR BUTCH

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This one is long. Grab a beer or coffee before reading. Go ahead, I’ll wait… Welcome back! Ready?

I’ve been single for 4 months, and I’ve been thinking that I might be ready to go out. For a while now, friends have been asking, “Can I set you up?” “Are you ready, Butch?” The answers are maybe and no. Maybe I am ready to be set up on a date. I might be ready to spend some time with someone – and by “spend time with someone” I mean have sex. But, am I ready for a relationship? No. I suppose I could be, but I’ve been trying to be good at being alone; focusing on the pause and clearing out my mind and heart. I’m hoping to be a better me when the next woman strolls into my life. Butch 2.0.

But the questions have been followed by… “What are you looking for?” “What’s the future Mrs. Butch like? Why not write it down?” Ok. I have come up with a pretty good list, but that’s pretty boring. Instead, how about a butch classified ad? What would my ad say? I’m pretty sure this woman doesn’t exist, so there should be no harm in pretending and, er, fantasizing about her. Ahem.

wanted-sign

ME:

  • Big, tall, and strong. 5’10, close to running back size, but slower. Much slower. Mohawk, bleached blonde. Brown eyes, devilish (I’m told) and alternately confused, puppy dog, or hungry when looking at you. No makeup – other than occasional guyliner. Freckles, lots. Pale without sun. Big, strong hands with callouses from rowing and lifting. Body in progress, but also in its 40s.
  • Smart. Quick on my feet. Hard to argue with but frequently wrong – although I’m irritatingly slow to admit it. [Note: I have plenty of flaws, but I don’t need to point those out in my ad, right?] Good in front of people and crowds. This turns you on. Funny, an embarrassing amount of anecdotes and analogies. Professional, a lawyer. Lots of work obligations, meetings with people, some of whom are attractive and engaging.
  • Stylish. Fashion is key. Think bow ties, skinny ties, knit ties, jackets, flashy dress shirts, cuff links, boots, skinny jeans, and skulls on choice items. Bracelets, earrings, belts, watches, cologne, pedicures, massages. Cargo shorts are for hiking and carrying cargo.
  • Serious about the gym, be-about-it-serious, not talk-about-it-serious. A fanatic about all kinds of theater (I even like opera), especially musicals. You too, but fanaticism not required. Golf, swimming, kayaking, hiking, mountain biking, movies, coffee shops, shopping. Travel to local and exotic places is key. A 5-star resort is OK as long as we sometimes kayak and camp along the river. Mexican food. Craft beer.
  • A devoted mother to two kids who are mostly adorable and wonderful. Although not with them all the time, I am always their mother. Very connected to my parents who are close.
  • Strong, intimidating and tough to the whole world except for you and the kids.

YOU:

  • Smaller and shorter than me. Small enough for me to pick you up and carry you over puddles…into bed. Curvy. Any color hair is cool, long and full enough to put up in a ponytail and tuck behind your ears. Eyes, full of wonder, joy at the world, depth. Eyes that can see me for who I am and love all you see. Skin, pale, tan, or dark. Make up – please, especially lipstick and sexy eye shadow. Not all the time, but not just special occasions. Body, soft and full in the right places, comfortable and fit, not a freak about food (everyone needs a potato chip now and then) or obtuse about it (kale, what’s that?). Healthy. You turn heads when you walk down the street. I like it. Mid 30s to early 40s.
  • Attitude unguarded and confident. Kind, steady. Patient and balanced. Slow to anger. Quick to forgive. Trusting. Fun, good sense of humor and laugh easily. Good listener. Comfortable in a group and can hold your own. Easy-going, confident. College, I think, but other than that any profession that allows you to support yourself. Veterinarian? Business woman? Adventure guide? Sea World trainer? Ballet dancer? Supportive of me and my career, as I will be of yours.
  • Stylish and put together. Dresses, skirts, lots of dresses. Blouses and necklaces, dangly earrings, rings, accessorize! Heels often enough for me to fuel my fantasies. Jeans, yes, of course. And my dress shirts with nothing on underneath. Yoga attire is appreciated and distracting. Lingerie welcomed as gifts and worn – even under jeans. Sweats are only for the house and exercise. You smell good, your skin alone and your perfume.
  • You like the adventure activities I like, plus? The more the better. Music, you are musical – play something, can sing. Maybe an artist. If you are crafty, that’s something you’ll mostly do alone. You’re good with that. You like beer, or at least tolerate it happily. You like to go out and be with friends or go out with just me often. It’s awesome if you cook. Love of travel and adventure is a must. We’ll try things and explore together. You read a book every now and then. You tolerate my gadget fanaticism. You make me see chick flicks (I will pout), but you’ll see Bond movies and The Hobbit, and anything with explosions, car chases, and sexy women. And occasionally, porn. =:o)
  • No kids for you. Or, maybe you have kids, but no new kids for us together. Maybe you always wanted them but didn’t meet the right woman, were busy in school or the service. Maybe you have kids that are almost grown. You like that I am a mother, like the softness the kids bring out in me. You don’t want to be their mom (no need for another), but you enjoy them and being part of their lives. You understand my kids have another family. You know we must communicate and coordinate. It gives us lots of alone time.
  • Feminine. People sometimes underestimate your strength, but I never will.

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US:

  • I don’t want a wife, but I don’t want an exotic dancer either. You take care of me sometimes; you see me as a woman (and I am comfortably a woman) and look forward to expressing that. You don’t initiate often, but you are happy I do. I will initiate a lot. You will almost always say yes.
  • We aren’t threatened by each other’s past – unless you dated Rachel Maddow, Ellen, or kd lang. I might be threatened then. I am in my 40s, there have been significant women in my life. I prefer “history” to “baggage.” You accept that I care about other women, especially my ex.
  • I’ll always be ready before you, but the way you look when you’re ready will make it worth it.
  • I’ll hold your bags and sit on the dude couch while you shop.
  • I’ll bring you flowers and you will swoon over them.
  • I’ll take out the trash/carry the groceries/kill the bugs unless you want to do these things yourself.
  • I’ll carry your bags, but not because you can’t.
  • I’ll be confused sometimes when you explain your feelings, but I’ll try really hard to understand.
  • You’ll find me a special kind of beer I’ve never had and I will swoon.
  • I’ll wear any tie you pick out for me, as long as you wear that dress I bought you.
  • I will carry your lipstick and ID in my ample pockets when we go out and your women’s clothes suck in the pocket department – but excel in the cleavage department.
  • I’ll carry your kayak to the water and you’ll be ok with getting your hair wet.
  • I’ll always open doors for you. Always.
  • We won’t be happy every second, but there will be much more good than bad.
  • You will always see the best in me, and never assume the worst.
  • When you look up at me, I’ll pretend to be strong when I’m melting inside.

If this is you, email me at notachanceinhell@butchisdelusional.com.

I don’t expect to be lucky enough to find this woman. I’ve been looking but haven’t found her yet. If I had, she would still be mine and I’d be writing a thank you note to the Universe instead of a classified ad. To the Universe, I say: “On the off chance that we really do put into the world what we want and it comes to us… please mix up a batch of this impossible-to-exist femme and send her my way. Not tomorrow, or even next week, because I want to be ready. That will be soon.”

And to you, this mystical, amazing femme, I say: “I will be ready for you. And if you do show up, I will never let you go. Ever.”

It’s butch to open yourself up to love again. Be butch.


Size Matters

It’s time to discuss something big…me. I’m big. Not giant, but big. I’m going to round up and down slightly (so that people who know me won’t have my exact measurements), but you will get the point.  Let’s say, hypothetically, that I am 5’11 feet tall and 210 pounds.  That will give you a good idea of my size.  [Of course, I am really taller and lighter than that.]

At 5’11, I am way taller than the average woman (5’4″), and a little taller than the average man (5’9 1/2″).  Tall.  I’m not much heavier than the average male with an average weight of 194, but I’ve got 40 pounds on the average woman.  I am not meant to be small.  I wear a size 10-11 men’s shoe for goodness sake.  My finance and I joke that when I hold a regular beer (12 oz.), I look like a giant – as opposed to the 22 oz. craft beers that I am so fond of.

Yes, yes, Butch, but so what?

Well, I have been on a quest for about 4 years now to get smaller, healthier, and more fit.  I have been successful because I have given up on my old way of doing things.  You know, eating whatever I want and only doing activities that I enjoy (sitting on the couch watching football while eating Wings N’ Things).  Perhaps you’ve been there?  Now lots of gym time and no more Wings & Things for me, which makes my fiancé very happy because even the sight of the glowing orange wings gives her a stomach ache.  <Sigh>

So, I am about 60 pounds down from my all-time high (woot woot!).  Then, I was huge.  Now I am big.  Then I was a XXL or XXXL.  Now I am an L in most things.  Then, it was all about special clothing stores. Now, not so much. Point to it and I can shop there. Unless it’s AF.  Nothing fits me there, but then, I’m not sure anything fits anyone there who does not resemble a frantic, desperate (skinny) 14-year old.  But, I digress.

The thing is I like being big.  I like being bigger than my fiancé.  A lot.  I like feeling like the big butch, the protective type.  You know, the one who can scare away anyone who would harm her.  The bigger, tougher one.  Grrrrrr.

So, I have to wonder – am I keeping myself big to be more butch?  I can logically think how dumb that is.  I can logically work out that it’s better for me and my fiancé if I were a touch smaller than I am.  Just a couple of sizes lighter.

Less weight on me = more healthy in every way.  I want to be healthy.  Wouldn’t I still be butch 30 pounds from now, leaner and more muscled?  I mean, Rachel Maddow is butch-ish and she is lean!  I think that I am finally getting this through my skull.  Even if I lose all the rest of the weight that I intellectually know I need (and from the health charts am supposed) to lose, I will still be much bigger than my fiancé.  She is tiny.  So, I can be healthy and still be the big, strong, protective one.

It’s butch to be big and strong…and healthy and fit.  Be butch.


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