ButchOnTap: Extra, Extra! Read All About It!

Ohboyohboyohboyohboy! Butch is so excited!  Yesterday, the San Diego Gay & Lesbian News ran its first piece by Butch Jaxon (that’s me!).  I am the SDGLN’s newest Social Contributor. Imagine that! Butch is a “social contributor” – not demented or diagnosable. Not, “that dude in the ladies’ room.” A “social contributor.” Wow.

A giant Thank You to the SDGLN and my wonderful editor, Morgan Hurley, for carrying my blog.  You can check it out here:  http://sdgln.com/social/2012/04/27/butch-tap-tapping-in.  Please do, won’t you, dear readers?  Let that lovely publication know they have made a good choice – the butch choice.

It’s butch to be a writer – no, a social contributor.  Be butch. 

Skinny Jeans: How Soon Can I Take Them Off?

In trying to keep up with the times, I have been forced to purchase a pair of skinny jeans. For any of you who are not familiar with the skinny jean, it is a tightly tailored or fitted jean that tapers dramatically at the ankle. This is the kind of jean that you tuck into your boots to show off that boot fetish that you might have.

It seems like a woman’s thing, because the pants are so tight. But I have seen plenty of men sporting the skinny jean. Well, not plenty, and they are all on television and magazine pages, but you get it. Men like Usher, the guys from Train, Russell Brand, the Jonas Brothers. My gorgeous fiancé assures me, however, that they are not just for rock stars, femmes, and comedians. They are for butches, too.

So, she just gave me an awesome pair of stylish combat boots as an early Mother’s Day gift, and I was intrigued by wanting to show them off. The fact that I wanted combat boots for Mother’s Day is further proof that I am a butch; the fact that my fiancé gave them to me is proof that I am one lucky S.O.B. Unless I intend to wear my new boots with shorts or, gasp, a skirt (no way in hell), it is time to consider a skinny jean to show off these cool boots. What to do, what to do? Off to The Gap.

I tried on a variety of their skinny offerings. Warning: they are not true to size, for all you butches and dudes out there wearing baggy, relaxed, or loose fit jeans. As it turns out, you will need to go up a size to sport the skinny jean. After some funny poses and maneuvers in the fitting room, I found a pair that seemed to fit. My fiancé assures me that they look good on me, and are flattering. And my boots look tough, badass, and all-around awesome.  (These are the actual boots in the photo.)

Trouble is…they are very uncomfortable. I mean, really. I wore them and sat on a stool. If I leaned back in the stool, I had to fight to keep from sliding off the stool. No matter how I sat, I had to worry about my ass hanging out the top. Crack is whack, right?  The skinny jean is so taught and tight, that it turns my body into a sort of stiff board – at least on the bottom. So, that’s fun, trying to keep from sliding off the stool or chair.  And, there is no room for adjusting or shifting. Honestly, I don’t know how you boys do it. I don’t have to worry about “adjusting” like you do, but even us butches occasionally get a wedgie. Just go commando to save yourself the trouble.

Plus, you know those pockets that I am so fond of? The ones that I like to use to carry everything I need – and my girl’s stuff? Yeah, well you can forget about them in the skinny jean. They exist, but what’s the point if the jeans are too tight to actually use the pockets? I made my wallet work, because, well…it’s my wallet, and I have to have it.  My lip stuff? Too weird in my front pocket. And my iPhone? I had to take the case off of it to fit it in my pocket.

Wearing my new skinny jeans would have to be this butch’s first experience with form over function. Fashion over any kind of utility. Much love and props to you girls for handling all this and looking so great for us butches and dudes!

Worn right (with combat boots, no ass crack), skinny jeans are butch. Be butch.

Butchopoly

I was recently playing Monopoly on my smart phone and it got me thinking…  What if there was a butch-themed

Wouldn’t it be great if we had our own version?

Monopoly game?  What would the game look like?

Traditionally, Monopoly has 8 sets of colored properties, 2 utilities, and 4 railroads to buy. Hazards include 2 kinds of taxes and, of course, jail. The pieces a player gets to choose from are: battleship, cannon, dog, iron, race car, shoe, thimble, top hat, and wheelbarrow. I note that some editions also have a man on horseback, a train, and a sack of money, but I’ve never seen or played with those.

If I were to butch up Monopoly, it might look something like this.

The properties one would buy would be 8 different breweries, with my 3 favorite beers from each. The utilities would be Home Depot and Target (a butch can get everything she needs for daily living at these two stores, minus clothes and food, of course).  The tax squares would be classic butch problem situations resulting in the payment of a Femme Tax.  One would be: “You’ve been caught staring at another woman, buy your femme flowers to try to fix it.” The second:  “You have no idea what your femme is trying to tell you so you have to hire a translator to save your dumb ass.”

Community Chest becomes Femme Chests and includes cards explaining a variety of things you do that are “Butch Fails” and will send you directly Butch Jail – do not pass go, do not collect $200.  But, it’s alright because Butch Jail is staffed by sexy femme prison guards.  Meow.

The pieces would be transformed like this:
Battleship = Polar Bear, because they are big and powerful like a battleship, but not charged with that militaristic, gas-guzzling, establishment, gay-hating aura that the armed forces have.
Dog = Shark.  Remember, sharks are hella butch.
Iron = Toolbox. Obviously.
Race car = This is my favorite piece, so it would stay. Model it after a Shelby Cobra, though.
Shoe = Engineer boot. Very butch.
Top hat = Bow tie. ’nuff said.
Wheelbarrow = Big beer bottle.
Thimble = BBQ grill

Now, who wants to play?

It’s butch to play games.  Be butch.

facebook Oops

Dear Readers, I have made some changes to my facebook page.  Sadly, in the process, I lost all of the “likes” from those of you who took the time to hit the magic button.  Ahh, those lovely, affirming likes.  Now, it looks like Butch has no friends… I would love it if you would take the time to hit that button over there on the right side of this page, again.

It’s butch to … like Butch.  Be butch.

Republicans’ Least Wanted

On the day after Santorum “suspended” his campaign (I know, let’s all take a moment…), I want to know … Why don’t the Republicans want me?

I mean, seriously, I am an untapped market for the Republicans. I am one of those people – not a 1%er by any means – but a person with a professional job, a person with some means. You know what I am saying here? I can donate a little to campaigns. I mean, if I can afford beer and bowties, I can donate to good causes. Mostly, Polar bears and anti-prop 8 groups, but still.

So, my point is this. The Republican Party needs to butch it up a bit. Yes, that’s right. I am what the Republican party needs. Now, give me a minute, my gay, lesbian, and uber-liberal friends. Do not cast me aside as a heretic. If you take away the anti-gay, anti-abortion, anti-environment… anti-equality and anti-everyone-who-isn’t-white-ness of the Republican party, and I could be a big supporter. After all, I am pro-family. I am pro-th troops (not war, of course, but definitely pro-troops). I am pro-American, for sure. I still have a tremendous amount of pride in this country that does not seem to want me (where eIse am I going to go, some Nordic country and freeze my ass off?). I am pro-crime control. I am anti-drug. I am also pro-choice, pro-gay, pro-peace, and pro-earth. But, shouldn’t everyone be?

If the Republican Party could pull its collective head out of its ass, it could pick up a whole bunch of members, dollars, and votes. In other words, I would gladly vote Republican, and pay less taxes, and see less government, if I could also have equal rights and no government dictated religion (I am not saying you cannot be religious, have at it. I just don’t want my government telling me what to do based on the bible). Why don’t the Republicans get this? I have some Republican friends who get it, of course (some of my best friends are Republican). But the Republican Party does not get it. Gingrich? Santorum? Romney? Please.

Here is how I am a like a Republican… I don’t like the government telling me what to do = Republican. I don’t like paying so much in taxes = Republican. I am against legalizing most crimes (that’s the former prosecutor in me, I can’t help it) = Republican. I wear bow ties = Republican. I believe that one woman and one woman are the perfect match (wait…).

Ok, so here is the problem. Here is how I am not like a Republican. I want every woman to be able to make her own difficult decisions. I would never marry a man, but I want others to be able to decide for themselves. I want to be paid as much as possible, but I think that others, who do not look like me but are just as qualified as me, should make the same as I do for the same job. I might like the option to own a gun when I no longer have children living at home, but I am fine with some restrictions on my ability to do so. I don’t give one rat’s ass what Jesus would do. Why should I? How about what would I do? How about taking responsibility for my own decisions and my own consequences? That’s novel.

There is no party for me. Where are my conservative Democrats? Where are the truly liberal Republicans? I want a party that wants less… less taxes, less government, less regulation, less interference in my life, and more … more people treated equally, more peace, more polar bears, and more children with a top-notch education. Where is that party? THAT party would be something to celebrate.

It is butch to speak your mind and stay engaged in the process, even if you feel like a square peg in a round hole. Be butch.

How to Be Butch*

*Author’s Note: This blog is mostly meant to be tongue-in cheek, a funny take on my life and observations. I never mean to imply that I am the sole “authority” on being butch (or even any authority at all), or that my way of being butch or my style of being butch – or even a lesbian, for that matter – is the only way to be. I will write more about the amazing diversity in the lesbian community, and the relative paucity of butch-femme relationships soon. Suffice it to say now that I mostly want to make you laugh, intrigue you, or perhaps give you insight into another point of view. I do not mean to pass judgment on whoever you are, whatever your style may be (except for you over there in the ratty t-shirt and cargo shorts), or however you live your life.  Now, that said, let me tell you how to be butch.

I know, dear readers that you may be so delighted, so intrigued with my life experiences that you want to know how you, too, can be butch. You must have the secrets – and, stat! If only…if only there were an instruction manual. Wait just a tick; I have found such a manual, dear readers, which I have written. Read on for a step-by-step guide to being a proper butch.

1.  Clothing. Go to your closet. Find every piece of women’s clothing. Throw it out. Well, ok, donate it, but it has got to go. You can’t look butch in a blouse for chrissakes. Shoes, too. Straps are out. Heels are ok if stacked or on a cowboy boot. Otherwise, not so much. Ok, jeans are good, always. Buy some vests. That will get you started. There are lots of more advanced rules, but I could write blogs and blogs about just lesbian fashion. Actually, I already have – see Tipping the Velvet (http://butchontap.com/2012/03/08/tipping-the-velvet/), Out of Pocket (http://butchontap.com/2012/03/05/out-of-pocket/), and Tie One On (http://butchontap.com/2012/01/20/tie-one-on/). And there will be more.  Fashion is fun to write about.

2.  Jewelry. I am pro-jewelry as long as it’s the right kind. Nothing you would buy for your girl.  No hearts. No unicorns or rainbows. Fleur de lis, shamrocks, skulls – all acceptable. Silver is golden. Gold is a bit too New Jersey Shore. Jewels are your own call. Just remember, less is more.

3.  Sports. You can’t go wrong with a team sport:  football, basketball, hockey (extra butch), volleyball (high quotient of attractive sporty spice lesbians here – neither femme nor butch, but displays qualities of both), softball (where you will find many femmes and loads of sturdy, but not quite butch, lesbians). Shooting sports like archery and marksmanship are obviously butch, although obscure and inaccessible. Hard to imagine your femme coming out to watch your archery match. Country club sports are tricky and can go either way – largely depending on what you wear. There is kind of a spectrum starting with tennis (no tennis skirts or ladies wear) being less butch, moving to racquetball which is more butch, and then handball which is super butch.  Hitting something that hard with just your hand? Wow. Scary butch activities would include things like boxing, kick boxing, hunting, sport fishing, and cage fighting. Do one of these and you are sending out a very scary vibe. Badminton (hitting a “shuttlecock”?) is out. Golf is the holy grail of butch sports in my opinion. Hitting a small ball hundreds of yards with a metal club, stylish, wonderful clothing options, lots of drinking while you play. Great opportunities for being charming (not out of breath), lifting heavy things for your femme (golf bag), offering to clean off her spikes, smoking cigars (without it being odd). Of course, as an avid golfer, I am biased.  Plus, lots of lesbians play golf and straight men seem to embrace this – a bonus.

4.  Drinks. Alcohol? If not, nothing wrong with that at all. Drink whatever you like, but no fruit or cherries in the glass. If you do drink alcohol, don’t order a cream-based drink if you want to be butch – think Bailey’s. Drink that at home (yum). Stick to beer and you can’t go wrong. The hard stuff (whiskey, bourbon, scotch) are super butch – as long as you don’t get sick. If you can’t hold your liquor, don’t drink it. If you do drink it, nothing with an umbrella. In my opinion, nothing even with juice. The down side to beer is gas…not too sexy. Drink slowly!

5.  Jobs.  Let’s see, what is the butchest job? Unless you are one of those Deadliest Catch fishers, you probably don’t need to think about having a butch job. I will go so far as to say ANY job is a good job. Pay your bills. Handle your business. Be secure. If you decorate cakes for a living, that is plenty butch if it allows you to meet your needs and take your date out for dinner and a show. I don’t care if its floral design, or painting nails. Being employed and responsible is very butch.

6.  Hair. The shorter the better. I would like to try and change the butch world a little bit here.  It doesn’t have to be shapeless. Style is sexy. Style is cool. Yes, style is butch. If you’ve had the same do for a couple of years, it is time for a change. The Bieber is cute and fairly butch now, but probably not so much in two years. Even my mohawk – which my fiancé and I think is uber-butch – won’t be around two years from now, at least not on me. But, no matter what hair you rock, no mullets, please. Represent, butches!

7.  Makeup.  You should not have any. Your sole collection of makeup should be the high-end chapstick or lip balm you carry. My current favorite, by the way, is the Jack Black men’s skin care line – not that Jack Black. Anyway, the lip balm is fantastic, and it gives me something to look for at Sephora when my girl is busy looking at mascara and nail polish – or whatever. Black guyliner is awesome on occasion, but you will use your girl’s makeup for this. You should not own any yourself. Unless you are single; then guyliner is a must.

8.  Nails. Keep them very short and clean. You don’t have to just hack them off yourself with clippers, though, there is nothing wrong with a nice manicure. I always choose “buff” rather than any polish. Recently, though, my girl painted my nails black and put some silver crackle stuff on top. To my surprise, it looks very, very butch! Plus, there is nothing wrong with giving your girl a reason to stare at your hands.Think outside the box, I guess is the lesson here.

9.  Pets. Dogs, lions (or any other big cat), turtles, sharks, yes. Seriously? Come see my pet shark? Hella butch. Cats, birds, and fish, not so much. Not all dogs, though. The bigger the better. St. Bernard, Mastiff, Dane, Sheepdog, Lab – you are rocking the butch pet. Terriers, Poodles, Schnauzers, and anything miniature or teacup, forget about it. But it’s okay if your girl has one and you happen to be seen walking it for her on occasion. 😉

10.  Bowties. Learn to tie them. And fast. I mean learn how to tie a bowtie fast, not quickly learn how to do it. This is very sexy to femmes. Plus, other butches, straight guys, and your gay brethren will be envious at the end of the evening when you untie your bowtie and leave it gallantly hanging around your neck – James Bond style, thereby proving it’s not a clip-on.  Clip-ons are for 5 year olds. Seriously, my 5-year-old son has one. But tie it yourself? Oh, yes. It’s hot. But Butch, I don’t know how! No problem. Here’s a link to the drawing I used for a couple of months until it clicked for me (http://www.folds.net/bowtie/). No shame in asking a friend or the lady at Nordstrom’s for help. As for regular ties, if you want a real tie knot go with the Windsor. My dad showed me how to tie a good old-fashioned Windsor knot. Thanks, Dad! Now, I’m set on both fronts.

11.  Books. This is a wide open category. It doesn’t matter much unless you are on vacation. You don’t want to be seen by the pool with anything by Danielle Steel or Mary Higgins Clark. Any kind of fantasy, sci-fi, spy, or thriller is ok. Romantic novels are right out! Michael Crichton, Stephen King, Tolkien, yes. Stephanie Meyer, no.

12.  Music. This is a tough one for me because I am a music fanatic. I can’t get enough: classical, easy listening, dance, adult contemporary, electronic, big band, and house – questionable choices for a butch, but that’s not very evolved. Metal, rock, country, hip hop – obviously safe, but who wants to be safe when it comes to music? If you play an instrument,  lead guitar (acoustic or electric), check. Drums, yes. Bass guitar, of course. Sax, maybe. Piano, this is a tough one. I say yes. It’s not super butch, but certainly passable butch. Flute/violin/clarinet/harp/viola/tambourine…you play one of these and you can leave your butch card at the door.

13.  Movies. No chick flicks. Terms of Endearment, Steel Magnolias, Something’s Gotta Give, The Notebook (I’d rather stick my face in a notebook and slam the rings closed than see this movie), and all romantic comedies (anything by Nora Ephron or starring Meg Ryan) are out. If it makes your girl cry, it’s not a butch movie. Contrast this with the typical action movie – Terminator, Star Wars, Bad Boys, Lethal Weapon – and any bromance movie – I Love You Man, 21 Jump Street, Dumb and Dumber, The Hangover. These are butch movies. Notice that the inclusion of a love story does not contradict the butchness of the movie. Violence, spies, sex, explosions, and car chases make a movie butch. A romance thrown in is just fine, especially if the woman is hot. Over the top violence is not butch; that’s just a waste. Hollywood showing off. Look what we can do! Look how realistic this death and gore is! No, thank you. Even butches don’t have to sit for that. Saving Private Ryan, and Braveheart are out in my book. Super hero movies are platinum – even bad ones – and fantasy flicks like Lord of the Rings. Oh, and comedies are always butch – Ace Ventura, Bridesmaids, Coming to America, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Art films are not technically butch, but can be great for getting laid. Sadly, if it won an Oscar, it’s probably not butch. Notable exceptions: The Godfather, No Country for Old Men, Casablanca, and anything directed by Scorsese or starring Clint Eastwood. You have carte blanche to see these. Relationship note: There are deals to be made here. My fiancé likes art house flicks and plenty of chick flicks (although she hates romantic comedies), so we trade off. A real life example: I saw Black Swan for her (WTH!?), and she came to see Thor with me. Plus, if you go see an indie or chick flick with your girl, bring tissues and provide that shoulder for her to cry on.

Alrighty then. Now that you know everything that the “how to” guide says about being butch, you are all set.

Better yet, it is very butch to be yourself. You define whether or not you are butch. So throw out this guide and just be yourself – as long as you lose the mullet! Be butch.