20 (Selected) Things I Love About My Wife

Perhaps it is telling that I started this post as 10 things. I had to keep going. And, I could keep going further. But blog best practices suggest that lists should be limited to 10. I think double-flouting that is enough rebellion. Plus, she might get a big head if I listed 30 things. 25 things would be safe, maybe 26, but not 30. So, I give you 20 (selected) things that I love about my wife.

20 Things I Love About My Wife

1. The Scottish lilt of her voice
2. Her total devotion to her friends and family
3. Everything, absolutely everything, about her body
4. Her colorful and fun sense of style
5. The passion she has for the sea and all of its inhabitants
6. Her stunning eyes – with no makeup and with dramatic cat eye makeup
7. The way she remembers everything and is so thoughtful with details I seem to forget
8. Her brilliant mind
9. The fact that she laughs at almost all of my jokes
10. Her ability to wear heels and other uncomfortable clothing gracefully
11. The way she holds my hand – actively squeezing, rather than lazily
12. Her inability to tell a striker from a quarterback
13. The way she drapes herself over me and fits no matter how small the available space
14. Her crinkled up nose and other funny faces
15. The fact that she will grab the screwdriver to tackle a project if I am not fast enough, but stills sees me as big, strong and capable
16. Her passion for life
17. How sparkly she is
18. The unjaded way she sees the world
19. Her laughter, and her tears
20. And, last but certainly not least, the fact that she loves me

It’s Butch to proclaim your love loudly, even if you don’t have a blog on which to do it. Be Butch. 

Poem + Tweet = Peep

I’ve started writing short little poems on Twitter. To be a tweet, it must be 140 characters or less. This is creating a new kind of poetry. I’ve seen others play with it and I like it. Kind of ee cummings meets haiku.

You have to be brief, and use space, punctuation, capitalization, and line breaks effectively.

Since most of you don’t follow me on Twitter, I thought I’d glue them together here in a post. Here are 7 that I’ve written so far.

ONE

your gorgeous
blue eyes
flash:burn:cut
through my
defenses:fear:pride
leaving me laid
bare:open:breathless
in anticipation of
what awaits

TWO

When we are
Together
Time flies by
When we are
Apart
It moves achingly
Slowly
Would that I could
Slow
And speed
Time
At my whim

THREE

Red:lips
Pink:cheeks
Orange:passion
Blonde:attitude
Green:innocence
Blue:eyes
Pale:skin
The colors of my love

FOUR

Cold
Open
Space
In bed
Where you should be

Missing you
A full time job
No
Thank you

Endlessly waiting
For you to appear
To fill this space

FIVE

You gorgeous
Open and trusting
Kind and distracting
So Damn Sexy

Me lucky
Satisfying you
Appreciative
Devoted

Us … happy

SIX

Peanut butter:jelly
Atoms:electrons
Waves:shore
Rubber:road
Grass:earth
Peas:pod
Sound:air
You:me
Nothing between
No spaces
None
At all

SEVEN

She uses
Crazy
Madly
Deeply
and
Always
To define her love

I cross my fingers
Close my eyes
Please
Please
Please
Let her be right

What do you think of this new, drastically abbreviated kind of poetry?

It’s Butch to find new ways to express yourself. Be Butch.

Hello Femmes!

A Gentleman Doesn’t Share

I’m sitting in a lesbian bar having a beer. I am alone. I only came out to retrieve my Visa that I unceremoniously abandoned here the night before. I was, as you might imagine, having a very good time. I was drinking with a friend and chatting with a lovely femme. (A gentleman won’t share any more than that.) I knew she was a femme because she was here at this lesbian bar. Not out at a hip restaurant or bar in town. Not here with a posse of gay boys. Her presence here, combined with her eye makeup, clothing and generally pleasing girly appearance signaled me. This is a femme, and I knew she was interested in butches because she was “talking” with me.

But what about when I’m not here? What if I’d seen this lovely woman at a conference? At the airport? At Jimbo’s? Shopping at Nordstrom? Rock climbing at the gym? Would I have known she was an option, as it were? Maybe not.  And, what a predicament that is. What a pickle.

Geography Makes It Easy

How are we butches supposed to identify our beloved femmes when we are out and about? Obviously, this isn’t an issue when you are introduced by friends, know her as a colleague, or when the geography sends the signal. Like here at this bar.

Outside of those cocoons, though, I think it’s clear that we butches need your help. Femmes, make yourselves known. Reach out. Make eye contact a little longer than is generally considered to be polite. Touch us on the bicep and make a face that signals you are impressed with the massive (cough) muscle you find there. Lean into us a little when chatting. Flip your hair. Touch your face.

In short, you the much fairer species need to make the first move. I and my butch bros will drive from there. But you’ve gotta send up a flare. Throw us a bone. If you’re as pretty and girly as I’m imagining (and you are), I might look at you longingly and then dismiss you as a non-option. I’m sorry, but I might think you are, umm, straight. Not that there’s anything wrong with being straight, mind you. Some of my best friends are straight! But it does limit (although not entirely exclude) my ability to … take you somewhere more quiet.

You might even say, “Oh Butch, I can tell you work out. I bet you could press me easily.” No straight women would ever say such a thing to me, so we’ll be off to the races. [Note: Certainly, there are some straight women that like to flirt with butches, in particular, even though these women think they’re straight. I’ll leave it to you to decide whether you agree with them.]

This is not a post about femme invisibility. I’ve read plenty about how that’s crap. I see you. And so do the rest of my butch friends. You are not invisible. But, this is a cry for help. We don’t like being rejected (who does?). So, bat your eyelashes at me. I will take it from there.

It’s butch to make sure she is actually a femme (as opposed to a lovely straight woman) before turning on the charm. Be Butch.

How to Date with Kids

Ah, the maternal looking femme. A model mother.

Dare I talk about this? I feel like a bit of a pariah in my community. I have … two kids. The death knell, I think, for dating. Sure, I know there are lots of lesbians with kids. But, these are mostly married or seriously committed partners who had kids together. That is no longer me – hasn’t been for a while.

It would be bad enough if I was a lovely, maternal looking femme. All soft and fluffy. Perhaps even driving a mini-van (shudder) or some sort of giant Tahoe and wearing a pink cashmere sweater. You know the kind of woman I am talking about? She is a perfect mother. Always has gum, never forgets water for the kid’s practices, can do a perfect French braid. Nurturing. You see her and it’s easy to see her as a mom.

But that’s not me. Nope. I am, in case you haven’t read anything else I have written, a big butch. A proud butch. I’ve got a Mohawk – check that little avatar over there. That’s me. People are ALWAYS surprised that I have kids. So, here I am, a big butch. I get it. I don’t really even talk that much here about having kids. There are several reasons for that. First, it’s not sexy. Second, it’s not always funny (sometimes, sure). And, third, I want to protect them. I am the writer opening myself up to scrutiny, not them.

Speaking of writers, a couple of months ago, my idol Butch Wonders *butch swoon* posted a great piece about dating a woman with kids. I’d like to talk about it from the other side. Here I am starting to date. Out and about. Ready to be suave and charming (don’t laugh, I’ll try hard and try hard not to look like I am trying hard!). And, I have all these questions about my kids and Her – that’s what I’ve nicknamed any woman I might approach or date. Pretty clever, I know.

1. When Do I Tell Her?

Oh, yes. Very suave and charming.

First and foremost, when is the right time to tell Her that I’ve got kids? Do I walk up, buy Her a drink, and as I am handing Her the Cosmo say, “I’ve got kids!” No. Clearly not. Turn off. What? Am I asking Her to marry me? But, how long do I wait? If She comes home with me, She will immediately see evidence of children. If not, it could be kept a bit. Not much more than a few days though, practically, because of my kid obligations. “Butch, let’s go to a movie this weekend.” Oh, I’m sorry, but… I, uh, can’t.” Why? Do I bust out the T-ball/martial arts/chorus practice reason?

I joke, and obviously I need to tell Her relatively quickly, but when? I don’t want Her to think that I am thinking so long-term that She has to be on board with kids now. What if we are just having a bit of fun?

2. When Do I Introduce Her?

My instinct here is pretty strongly that this doesn’t happen until I am very serious about Her. My kids have been through a divorce (from their mom) and the loss of my now-ex gorgeous fiancé. The kids love them both. I don’t think it’s fair to introduce a new Her every couple of months. Kids fall for people pretty quickly, and I don’t want Hers coming in and out of their lives too much.

The problem is that I can see this being a real sticking point with Her. “Don’t you love me?” Yes, I do (at some point, right?). “Well, why can’t I meet your kids?” I want to wait until the time is right. “When will that be?” Gosh, I just don’t know.

3. How Involved Is She Supposed To Be?

Assuming I haven’t scared every Her away, and we’ve moved on to being in love and introductions, what is Her role? My belief is that, although kids can never have too many adults in their lives who love them, they only need so many parents. As I said in Wanted: Femme for Butch, my kids don’t need another mother – they already have 3.

I want Her to be a good role model. I want Her to be kind. I want Her to be happy to see them and spend time with them. But, I don’t want Her so attached that She wants to take over my role. I will handle the care and feeding of my munchkins. She gets to be a happy bystander for the hard stuff, and hopefully, a willing participant in the good stuff.

4. Is It Alright If My Kids Know I am Sleeping With Her, or a Variety of Hers?

Would that I dated often enough to actually have one of these…

Being a shy and proper butch, I am very concerned about my kids knowing that I am committing cardinal sins with Her (or a variety of Hers). Cough. Anyway, religion out of it, I don’t really want my kids thinking about this. We haven’t had the birds and the bees talk yet, so I think I am safe for a while. My point really is that if I date, I don’t want my kids to see a revolving door – regardless of how frequently that door actually revolves. Anyone have any WD-40?

Interestingly enough, my kids gave me the perfect opening to discuss this with them recently. Both of them are pressuring me to get a girlfriend – which if you think about it is adorable and kind of hilarious. Why, guys? “We just want you to have one.” Anyway, when they said this a week or so ago, I jumped at the chance to talk about dating. I said that I was ready to date, and indeed was out and about having fun. I told them that I was going to keep them from the details, that I might start seeing someone and not introduce Her. My daughter was shocked and said, “You are going to date behind our backs?”

I laughed and said, “No, I am going to date right in front of you. I’m just not going to introduce you to anyone for a while.” Why? I explained that I didn’t know when I might find the Her that would be in my life (and, thus, their lives) for a period of time, and I didn’t think it fair to introduce them to a bunch of women. Now, I realize that I might be making myself out to be a real ladies man here, and sadly, this is really not the case. But, hopefully, you get the point. The kids seemed to accept this, although they didn’t like it.

I wish I had a crystal ball the moment I meet Her. One where I could gaze at it and peer into the future. If I could see that She will be in my life a year later, two years later, of course I would introduce Her to the kids. But, how do I know?

One Her to Rule them All

As lucky as I would be to find the One True Her (the one to rule them all) right out of the gate, I think that is unrealistic. Of course, if the Universe sends me the Femme from my Want Ad, I suppose all bets are off. But still, when do I introduce Her to my kids? Help me out, friends.

It’s butch to protect your kids, isn’t it? Be Butch.

Just Me

My gorgeous fiancée is no longer my fiancée. We decided to split up about 3 months ago. Now, I am just me (and my kids, and my family, and my friends, but you get what I mean).

I am trying to take a light (but broken) hearted approach to sharing this with you. After all, I write a blog that is usually funny and light. Sometimes sarcastic, but not gut-wrenching. Y’all don’t come see me to read about how miserable I am and how hard life is, right? I get it and I like that. It’s hard to be light and funny though, when your heart is healing. Hence the long delay in sharing this with you, and honestly, fewer posts. I try to be honest in what I write about and I didn’t want to share this, so I just shared less. I am in a much better place now, so it’s a bit easier to disclose. Still, I’m afraid that I don’t have much funny to say on the topic of my healing heart.

I won’t share any of the details – except to say that we love each other a lot and are committed to being friends. So far, so good. For my tips on how to handle a yourself in times like these, see A Butch’s Guide to Remaining Sane During a Break Up. I wrote that smack in the middle of it all. Some of you may have guessed, but were too kind to ask…

So, now it’s just me. I am “single.” My goodness that word entails a lot, doesn’t it? It’s even a little scary. Will I be an outcast from my coupled-friends? Does it make me pathetic and sad? Will I have to carry around a little sign that says “Please be nice to me, I am single?” I certainly hope not. And, it has been a very long time since I was single – 22 years. Wow, that makes me feel old.

The bottom line is that my gorgeous fiancée is still gorgeous, but she is no longer my fiancée.  Indeed, she is no longer “mine” – as much as anyone can ever be someone else’s. I’m still here, though. Sifting through the feelings that I have. Being reminded that life includes sadness and hurt, and that one should embrace these parts of life, learn from them, and then move through them in time.

You won’t hear any macho rhetoric from me about how tough I am, how it didn’t (and doesn’t still) hurt, how I am better off without her, or any of those feeling-denying statements. My heart and I are healing. Time being required – and whatever other slogan you can think of that is supposed to make one feel better. I felt that you needed to know because she has all but disappeared from my posts and sooner or later someone would notice and ask me.

I am a butch without a femme. Superman without Lois Lane. Batman without Robin. James Bond without whichever hot actress stars in each movie. Wow, I must think a lot of myself to compare myself to superheroes and Bond. I wish! How about, peanut butter without the jelly? Chips without the salsa? Salt without the Peppa? (What a loss that was to music.) As many of you know, she inspired many a post. I hope I can still think of funny things to write about now that it is just me…

It’s butch to be single. Right? Be butch.

Why 8 is Enough Already.

Note:  This is a factual and opinionated blog about political stuff, not so funny as I like to think I normally am.  Forgive me.

So, as a lawyer and one of the leaders of my company’s LGBT group, I sometimes get asked to help explain what is happening with Prop 8.  Certainly, the events of last week need explaining for many of us – me included.   I was able to explain it to my kids without research.  It went something like this:  Another even higher court told the people who hate us that they are still wrong and Mommy and her fiancé will be able to get married soon!  I cannot even use the word stepmom legitimately, yet.  Anyway, I did not feel comfortable explaining last week’s events to anyone (other than my kids), until I did some research of my own and read the full court opinion. Now that I have done that, I thought I might do a little synopsis here so that I can share it with folks.  If it helps you, please feel free to share it with whomever you like.  The more we all understand about this, the better.

First, a procedural refresher.  Now, don’t get scared.  It’s just a bit of history; although I am going to skip some steps, because if I didn’t this blog would really only be suited for a law school exam, and, I would probably get something wrong (which I might do anyway).  So let me stick to the basics.

Amy met Eve.  Amy and Eve wanted to get married.  Amy and Eve cannot get married in California because of a foul bill called Prop 8 [cue the awful, scary music that comes before someone gets killed in a slasher movie] which purported to amend the Constitution so that Eve could only marry Adam.  This happened, by the way, after a California court ruled that the state could not deny Amy and Eve the right to marry – it was unconstitutional in California.  This is great news for Adam and Steve and 17,999 of their closest friends who rushed to the altar or courthouse and got legally married.  Victory in California, right?  Wrong.  Enter Dastardly Do-Wrongs and his Four Friends; let’s call them the “Haters.”  The Haters [cue appropriate music, you can hear it, right?] decide that if it is unconstitutional in California to deny Amy and Eve the right to get married, let’s just change the constitution.  This is very similar to playing a game on the playground with a kid who does not like that you beat them at the game you are playing and so they change the rules.  That is what the Haters tried to do with Prop 8 – change the rules so that Amy and Eve can once again not get married.

Now, Amy can only marry Steve (ignore the fact that Steve is already married to Adam – they are still legally married, but none of their friends can get married).  And Adam can only marry Eve.  Maybe, if Amy and Adam cannot marry those that they love, no one should be able to get married!  Ridiculous, right?  There are plenty of folks that think marriage as a legal construct should go away entirely.  Now, that is radical!  At least us gays are only trying to get in on the gig, not make it go away entirely.

Amy and Eve sue Governor Terminator (once again an actor) and Attorney General Brown (now our Governor) in Federal court when they were denied a marriage license by the State.  The Terminator and his main attorney hated the fact that Amy and Eve cannot get married, so they refused to defend the suit.  This was great news for Amy and Eve and all of those who love them, or who don’t know them, but love equality and fairness.  Hooray!  No one to defend the foul Prop 8 means truth and justice wins, right?  “No!,” the Haters said.  We are the ones who started the foul Prop 8 in the first place, so we want to defend its dishonor. 

[Then there was some weird jockeying between the Federal court and the State court, and lots of battles over “standing” to sue (aka the right to bring a case in court), judges recusing themselves, and court video being released, including an opinion on the video by the Supreme Court of the United States (or the “Supremes,” as I like to call them).  None of that matters to the outcome, though.  Eventually, years later, the Federal court said, “Fuck off to the Haters; Adam and Steve, you boys can get married!  Right after all of the rest of the appeals, that is.”]

So, what did the Federal court say the first time around?  It found that the foul Prop 8 was unconstitutional for two reasons:
1.      It deprives Amy and Eve the fundamental right to marry, which is guaranteed by the Due Process Clause, and
2.      It excludes Amy and Eve from state-sponsored marriage while allowing Adam and Eve (or Amy and Steve) access to that honored status, in violation of the Equal Protection Clause.

Thank you, Judge Walker!  I hope your retirement is awesome.  You have certainly changed history with your well-reasoned, Regan-appointed ruling.  That’s right.  Judge Walker is not a flaming liberal out here in California, the land of the fruits and nuts.  Judge Walker is a Republican-appointed, well-respected, conservative jurist.  No matter what happens down the road, Judge Walker’s decision is a landmark for the LGBT community, or I should say, the civil rights movement – all civil rights movements.

The Haters were unhappy with Judge Walker’s ruling [Surprise!], so they appealed.  The Federal court of appeals (3 more judges) heard arguments in the case and just ruled – once again – that Prop 8 is illegal and unconstitutional.  The Haters and the 52% of Californians that they tricked into buying their extremist crap cannot deny Amy and Eve the right to get married in California.

The Federal court made its ruling on a very limited point, that:  Prop 8 singles Amy and Eve out for unequal treatment by taking away from them alone the right to marry, and this action amounts to a distinct constitutional violation because the Equal Protection Clause protects minority groups from being targeted for the deprivation of an existing right without legitimate reasons.  Courts like to make rulings in the most limited way, that is to say, they do not like to make sweeping statements like “that is wrong for everyone and no one can ever do it again, anywhere!”  They much prefer to say something like, “in this particular instance, that statute is wrong, and it cannot be used in California in that way that it was used.”

I am glad that this is what they said because it means a couple of things.  First, it means that the Supremes are less likely to hear this case on appeal.  Why bother using their limited resources on a case that only affects California?  The Supremes only hear 1% of the cases that are filed with them, anyway.  This limited ruling in California would be easy to overlook.  Second, it makes it less likely that even all of the Federal judges dealing with California and the other states in our district will want to hear another appeal.  This is called an “en banc” appeal.  You do not like the first ruling that one judge gave you?  Appeal to a panel of three judges.  What’s that?  You do not like the ruling that those three judges gave you?  Well, appeal to a panel of all the judges in that circuit – in California’s circuit, that would be a little less than 30 judges.  Again, there are some procedural tweaks here, but they are not really key to this blog.

So, where do we stand?  Can Amy and Eve start picking out china patterns, now that Prop 8 is once again illegal?  No.  Amy and Eve have to wait until the court orders the “mandate.”  This is akin to saying that the court will wait until the Haters have again had time to appeal.  I am sorry Ms. Parks, I know that the court said you have the right to ride in the front of the bus, but you will have to ride in the back of the bus a little longer – those racists in the white sheets need time to appeal.

Today, we are waiting for the Ninth Circuit to either issue an order finalizing the decision [Run and get married!] or for the Ninth Circuit to decide to have an en banc hearing – either because the Haters ask for it, or a judge or two on the circuit asks for it.  If there is no en banc hearing, we are one step closer to tying the knot.  But wait, the Haters have another try to keep Amy and Eve from getting married – they can ask the Supremes for help.  Stop!  In the name of love, before these gays get married… and what? Society as we know it ceases to function?

Basically, it could be early next year before we have the right to get married again, or it could be as late as 2014.  Remember that this is now THREE courts of different judges (one state court, and two federal courts) who have found the effort to keep Amy and Eve from getting married to be illegal and unconstitutional.  What the hell does a butch have to do in this state to marry her femme?!?

Enough already with the nonsense and unfairness of Prop 8.  Let’s move on.  It is going to happen.  Gays and Lesbians are going to get married, here and in every state.  All of this is just wasted time and money.  And it hurts.  A lot.  Enough!

I want to be able to don my tuxedo.  I want to be able to see my gorgeous fiancé in a stunning dress with her hair in an updo and her dress showing off her cleavage.  I want to send out invitations, argue about the number of attendants, how many guests, and just how stuffy the service will be.  I want to be able to get married.  I am not trying to take my straight friends marriages and break them up.  I am not trying to destabilize the tradition of marriage.  A tradition that includes Kim Kardashian being married for 72 days.  A tradition that includes people getting married on a reality TV show after a few weeks of dating.  I am trying to marry the love of my life.  Why on earth would anyone care to try to stop that?  Why are there not crowds of people lining up to support that?  Why isn’t everyone trying to get me to the church on time?  Why don’t I have the soap writing on the back of my car right now?

If you are gay, tell everyone you know that you should have the right to get married – to be happy or miserable till death do you part – just like everyone else.  If you are straight, tell all of your straight friends that they should not worry about gays marrying.  It is not like the gays are trying to make you gay!  We are trying to take ourselves off the market!

Stand up for equality.  People love each other and they want to tell the world.  That is what marriage does.  It is butch to care about equality.  It is butch to love.

Be butch.

How Not to End Valentine’s Day Alone: A Public Service Announcement

Attention all butches and straight guys!  This is a public service announcement for Valentine’s Day. What’s that, you say?  It’s over two weeks away?  More than 14 days?  No need to worry about that yet. You have plenty of time. WRONG!

Please allow me to give you some advice. Let me offer some tidbits I have learned while loving a femme. You need to get ready. NOW. Not 14 days from now, because your girl will know. How will she know?  I don’t know, but trust me they ALWAYS know. And you will feel the full wrath of your girl if you do not prepare.

Do not tell me that she is the kind of woman who doesn’t care about Valentine’s Day. It is simply not true. I know, I know; you may have heard one of these things coming from her lips:

1. I don’t care about Valentine’s Day

2. I don’t need anything special

3. I don’t want you to go to any trouble

4. I don’t want you to spend too much money

5. It’s just a stupid Hallmark holiday

6. Flowers are a waste of money; they just die

7. I don’t need any more jewelry

8. Who needs chocolate and teddy bears

WARNING! These are lies. All lies. Every single one of them. Do not believe her!  Why does she say these things if she doesn’t mean them?  Well, apart from her being a woman, you mean?  I don’t know. Why do women say most of what they say?  It could be that she is trying to convince herself of any one of these statements. Perhaps she knows from past experience that you will let her down and she is preparing herself to lessen the blow when another Valentine’s Day comes and goes and she is left with a meaningless card and a lame little teddy bear from 7-11. Whatever the reason, ignore her.

Hopefully, I have convinced you that you must do something – that you must decide on a plan of action and put it in play now.  If so, you may be thinking, “ButchonTap, what should I do?”  Let me tell you, my friend.  The bad news is that there is not one size that fits all women.  The good news is there are lots of great options and they can be divided into 7 easy-to-understand categories. Fit it into one of these, and you will be golden. Note that only a couple are expensive; at least four of these can be affordable, so not being loaded is no excuse to neglect your honey on Valentine’s Day.  Unless you want to be neglected, that is.

1. Thoughtful. Think mushy. Put together a collage of ticket stubs from shows you’ve been to together, throw in a matchbook from a place you ate at that she loved. What’s that you say?  It looks like crap?  Doesn’t matter. Gather a bunch of papers and little mementos from your life together this past year, glue it on construction paper around a picture of the two of you and she will positively swoon.  You’ll see.

2.  Hard. Intricate or detailed works, too. Create a scavenger hunt to take her to all of your favorite couple’s spots around town.  Recreate the first date you had. Take her to the same restaurant with the same walk on the beach.  Or, order in the same food, and rent the movie you saw on that first date or the day you asked her to marry you.  Take the time to set the table.  It is crazy how much women love a set table.  If you drop a few candy hearts or flower petals on the table, watch out!  Find that special kind of cookie/champagne/cheese/liverwurst (if she loves it, who cares what it is?) that you had on your honeymoon/first date/trip to Sweden, and order it online. You need time for this to be delivered. This will tell her: a) you pay attention enough to know she likes ____, b) you took the time to order it especially for her, and c) you love her enough to plan ahead. Yes, planning = love.  Do not try to make too much sense out of it, just trust me.

3. Expensive.  Buy her something amazing – something she wants. Diamonds.  Silver.  Pearls.  Think Nicole Kidman from Moulin Rouge and you will be on the right track.  Please, please, please do NOT buy her expensive lingerie from La Perla – unless she has asked for this. That gift, though expensive, is for you. How happy would you be, butches and straight guys, if your girl gave you a present and you opened it to find sexy lingerie that she would wear for you?  Right?  So that’s not your gift to her.  Think jewelry, a trip somewhere, perfume, shoes, a nice bag – all good choices.  Clothes: do not buy clothes. Unless she tells you EXACTLY what to get, you run the risk of buying something she hates, or buying her the wrong size. You really cannot win here.  Too small?  “What the hell makes you think I can fit into that? If you’re looking for a woman this skinny, why are you with me?”  Too big? “Just exactly how fat do you think I am?”  Or for either, the worst is, “You don’t know me at all!”  No, no clothes.

4. Flashy or Showy.  This is where flowers fall – at least if you have them sent to her work.  Remember that one of the best things about Valentine’s Day is being able to show off your butch or guy.  Flowers at work say to all of her coworkers, “I have someone who loves me enough to send me flowers.”  Translation, my butch is better than yours.  Send a giant bouquet of flowers to her office so she can show you off.  Roses are great if she likes them, but they are really expensive this time of year, so if she loves another flower, send those.  It will look creative and save you some cash.  Do not leave the card up to the college kid at the flower shop.  Put something on there that will make her smile or show her you love her.  Don’t worry about the college kid writing it down.  He isn’t trying to keep your woman happy, so who cares what he thinks?

5. The Event.  Drinks.  Dinner.  A club (even dancing, gasp!).  A movie, museum, or exhibit that she has been looking forward to seeing.  Note that you can earn extra points and make her feel extra special by doing something that you do not want to do.  Think indie film, chick flick, an exhibit on purses throughout the ages, a flower show … you get the idea.  Or, by getting you into somewhere that is difficult – the “it” restaurant or club.  Plan ahead and get a table.  Remember, planning = love.

6. Manual Labor.  Yes, that’s right.  Along the lines of “The Event” category, do some things for her that you hate to do.  Do the dishes, put away the laundry, clean the house – all before she gets home from work.  Tell her that you are taking her car that morning and go have it serviced and detailed for her.  There are probably a slew of things that your woman would be ecstatic about if you did them for her.  This does not mean that you can do something dude-like that you should already have been doing and call it a Valentine’s Day present.  Do not  unload the dishwasher or clear the table, or for guys, put down the toilet seat, and announce that as your gift.  Poof! Now you’re single.

7. Pampering.  Think manicures, pedicures and massages.  Give her a gift certificate to the spa for the day.  Or… paint her toenails yourself.  I promise that if you rub her feet and then do this for her, she will melt.  Also, a massage is fool-proof.  Tell her that her gift is a massage, and that you do not expect one in return.  Then go all out.  Light candles, turn on music, and give the massage.  Extra touches are key.  Remember, she needs to feel special.  The harder it is for you and the more awkward that you feel doing it, the better!

So pick one of these 7 categories – at least one. More than one is platinum. You have to make her feel special. Girls need to know that you thought hard, planned carefully, or spent a lot of time or money on them.  No matter which of the above options you choose, you MUST write a card. Do not rely on the pre-printed text alone, even if you think it says exactly what you want to say, only better than you would say it. Sure, the card itself is important, so choose wisely. Stick with romantic or cute – make sure it’s not for your grandmother.  But add your own spin to it.  Love her eyes? Great, tell her.  Love her body?  Only tell her that if you add stuff about her heart and mind, too.  She doesn’t think purely physical, so neither should you.

Ignore me at your peril. Butches and straight guys:  take care of your woman if you want her, and therefore you, to be happy.  She might want totally different things than you do, but that’s part of why you love her.  A card and little teddy bear from 7-11 says exactly what you do not want to say — I did not have time/love you enough/care enough to do something special for you.  Get your act together and show her how much you love her!  And, if your woman sent you this post, you better take note, get busy and use this as a checklist.

Me? I made dinner reservations at our favorite restaurant two weeks ago. The other stuff I have to keep quiet because she reads this 🙂

Prove how butch you are by showing her how much you love her.  Want to make sure that you do not end up alone on Valentine’s Day?  It’s up to you.

Be butch.