Valentine’s Day Redux: How Not To Spend It Alone

This is an updated version of a post that first ran 2 years ago. It is as applicable today as it was then.

Attention butches!  This is a public service announcement for Valentine’s Day. What’s that, you say?  It’s almost two weeks away?  A whole 9 days?  No need to worry about that yet. You have plenty of time. WRONG!

Please allow me to give you some advice. Let me offer some tidbits I have learned while loving a femme. You need to get ready. NOW. Not 8 days from now, because your girl will know. How will she know?  I don’t know, but trust me they ALWAYS know. And you will feel the full wrath of your girl if you do not prepare.

A special note for you married butches: Do not assume Valentines Day does not apply to you anymore. Sure, you aren’t doing a full court press as you were when you were dating, but you still love her, right? You still want her to feel special, right? This applies to you, too.

Ok, first do not tell me that she is the kind of woman who doesn’t care about Valentine’s Day. Its simply not true. Even if you have heard her say one or more of the following:

1. I don’t care about Valentine’s Day

2. I don’t need anything special

3. I don’t want you to go to any trouble

4. I don’t want you to spend too much money

5. It’s just a stupid Hallmark holiday

6. Flowers are a waste of money; they just die

7. I don’t need any more jewelry

8. Who needs chocolate and teddy bears

These are lies. All lies. Every single one of them. Do not believe her!  Why does she say these things if she doesn’t mean them?  Well, apart from her being a femme, you mean?  I don’t know. Why do femmes say most of what they say?  It could be that she is trying to convince herself of any one of these statements. Perhaps she knows from past experience that you will let her down and she is preparing herself to lessen the blow when another Valentine’s Day comes and goes and she is left with a meaningless card and a lame little teddy bear from 7-11. Whatever the reason, ignore her.

Hopefully, I have convinced you that you must do something – that you must decide on a plan of action and put it in play now.  If so, you may be thinking, “Butch, what should I do?” Read on.

The bad news is that there is not one size that fits all women.  The good news is there are lots of great options and they can be divided into 7 easy-to-understand categories. Fit it into one of these, and you will be golden. Note that only a couple are expensive; at least four of these can be affordable, so not being loaded is no excuse to neglect your femme on Valentine’s Day.  Unless you want to be neglected, that is.

1. Thoughtful. Think mushy. Put together a collage of ticket stubs from shows you’ve been to together, throw in a matchbook from a place you ate at that she loved. What’s that you say?  It looks like crap?  Doesn’t matter. Gather a bunch of papers and little mementos from your life together this past year, glue it on construction paper around a picture of the two of you and she will positively swoon. You’ll see. You can also add the high value presentation gifts here from places like Shutterfly and Moonpig. These websites let you upload your photos, type your message, add as much flash as you like, and presto! They will create a customized card, poster, t-shirt, you name it for you. You’ll need to expedite shipping now – so hurry.

2.  Hard. Intricate or detailed works, too. Create a scavenger hunt to take her to all of your favorite couple’s spots around town.  Recreate the first date you had. Take her to the same restaurant with the same walk on the beach.  Or, order in the same food, and rent the movie you saw on that first date or the day you asked her to marry you.  Take the time to set the table.  It is crazy how much women love a set table.  If you drop a few candy hearts or flower petals on the table, watch out!  Find that special kind of cookie/champagne/cheese/liverwurst (if she loves it, who cares what it is?) that you had on your honeymoon/first date/trip to Scotland, and order it online. You need time for this to be delivered. This will tell her: a) you pay attention enough to know she likes ____, b) you took the time to order it especially for her, and c) you love her enough to plan ahead. Yes, planning = love.  Do not try to make too much sense out of it, just trust me.

3. Expensive.  Buy her something amazing – something she wants. Diamonds.  Silver.  Pearls.  Think Nicole Kidman from Moulin Rouge and you will be on the right track.  Please, please, please do NOT buy her expensive lingerie from La Perla – unless she has asked for this. That is a gift for you. How happy would you be if your girl gave you sexy lingerie that she would wear for you?  Right?  So that’s not your gift to her.  Think jewelry, a trip somewhere, perfume, shoes, a nice bag – all good choices.  Clothes: do not buy clothes. Unless she tells you EXACTLY what to get, you run the risk of buying something she hates, or buying her the wrong size. You really cannot win here.  Too small?  “What the hell makes you think I can fit into that? If you’re looking for a woman this skinny, why are you with me?”  Too big? “Just exactly how fat do you think I am?”  Or for either, the worst is, “You don’t know me at all!”  No, no clothes.

4. Flashy or Showy.  This is where flowers fall – at least if you have them sent to her work.  Remember that one of the best things about Valentine’s Day is being able to show off your butch or guy.  Flowers at work say to all of her coworkers, “I have someone who loves me enough to send me flowers.”  Translation, my butch is better than yours.  Send a giant bouquet of flowers to her office so she can show you off.  Roses are great if she likes them, but they are really expensive this time of year, so if she loves another flower, send those.  It will look creative and save you some cash.  Do not leave the card up to the college kid at the flower shop.  Put something on there that will make her smile or show her you love her.  Don’t worry about the college kid writing it down.  He isn’t trying to keep your woman happy, so who cares what he thinks?

5. The Event.  Drinks.  Dinner.  A club (even dancing, gasp!).  A movie at the fancy theater, museum, or exhibit that she has been looking forward to seeing.  Note that you can earn extra points and make her feel extra special by doing something that you do not want to do.  Think indie film, chick flick, an exhibit on purses throughout the ages, a flower show … you get the idea.  Or, by getting you into somewhere that is difficult – the “it” restaurant or club.  Plan ahead and get a table.  Remember, planning = love.

6. Manual Labor.  Yes, that’s right.  Along the lines of “The Event” category, do some things for her that you hate to do.  Do the dishes, put away the laundry, clean the house – all before she gets home from work.  Tell her that you are taking her car that morning and go have it serviced and detailed for her.  There are probably a slew of things that your woman would be ecstatic about if you did them for her.  This does not mean that you can do something dude-like that you should already have been doing and call it a Valentine’s Day present.  Do not  unload the dishwasher or clear the table, or for guys, put down the toilet seat, and announce that as your gift.  Poof! Now you’re single.

7. Pampering.  Think manicures, pedicures and massages.  Give her a gift certificate to the spa for the day.  Or… paint her toenails yourself.  I promise that if you rub her feet and then do this for her, she will melt.  Also, a massage is fool-proof.  Tell her that her gift is a massage, and that you do not expect one in return.  Then go all out.  Light candles, turn on music, and give the massage.  Extra touches are key.  Remember, she needs to feel special.  The harder it is for you and the more awkward that you feel doing it, the better!

So pick one of these 7 categories – at least one. More than one is platinum. You have to make her feel special. Girls need to know that you thought hard, planned carefully, or spent a lot of time or money on them.  No matter which of the above options you choose, you MUST write a card. Do not rely on the pre-printed text alone, even if you think it says exactly what you want to say, only better than you would say it. Sure, the card itself is important, so choose wisely. Stick with romantic or cute – make sure it’s not for your grandmother.  But add your own spin to it.  Love her eyes? Great, tell her.  Love her body?  Only tell her that if you add stuff about her heart and mind, too.  She doesn’t think purely physical, so neither should you.

Ignore me at your peril. Butches and straight guys:  take care of your woman if you want her, and therefore you, to be happy.  She might want totally different things than you do, but that’s part of why you love her.  A card and little teddy bear from 7-11 says exactly what you do not want to say — I did not have time/love you enough/care enough to do something special for you.  Get your act together and show her how much you love her!  And, if your woman sent you this post, you better take note, get busy and use this as a checklist.

Prove how butch you are by showing her how much you love her.  Want to make sure that you do not end up alone on Valentine’s Day?  It’s up to you.

It’s butch to make your femme feel really special on Valentine’s Day. Be butch.

Touch Your Lips, Hold Our Gaze & Other Femme Tactics

In my last post, I wrote about my own frustration in finding our beloved femmes when geography isn’t the roadmap. This post generated more likes, comments, retweets and shares than most. Apparently, our femmes are even more frustrated than I am.

Yikes! Butches, they are throwing themselves at you (not me, I would notice), and still being ignored or dismissed by you (not me, I never ignore a femme). And, they are pissed. I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be for a lovely femme to head out for the evening all gorgeous and femme-like and to have no butch even talk to her because they’ve dismissed her as straight. Argh.

I asked these Femmes what were their best moves for being noticed by us. Below are the most popular strategies they shared. Butches: take note! Femmes: perhaps you can incorporate a new move from your femme sisters.

1. Longer Than Polite Eye Contact

Gaze at your Target Butch (“TB”). Bat your lovely mascara’d eyelashes at her. Be sure you make eye contact and hold her gaze for a moment longer than normal.

Note to make sure you smile; you don’t want to appear to be staring in disgust or judgement. You don’t want to get lumped into that probably large basket of folks who gawk or stare at the TB (including me, as I definitely get this one).

2. Stare, Smile, Stare

This one particularly caught my attention. The play is to make eye contact with the TB, smile, look down and then look back up at her. Meow. If she’s watching, it sounds pretty powerful – it will work on me for sure. How about you?

3. Arm Touching, Leg Grazing, Hair Pulling

Touch the TB’s arm with little excuse, like laughing at her joke or something she’s said. Depending on the forum, (like sitting at a bar) you might touch her thigh – sending a laser signal to her. Basically, the message is if a femme can find a reason to touch the TB, she should do so. TB: Pay Attention! If she touches you, there’s probably something more there.

One femme even admitted pulling her TB’s hair. She’s a stylist so there was a good excuse, but still… Take me home!

4. Appropriate Stalking

Shop, get coffee, check out books, drop off your bike for repairs when TB is working. Also, work out when she does, join a group she likes. Sure it’s stalking, but in an entirely appropriate way. The hope is that the sheer number of sightings and contacts will wake the TB, and us in general, up.

5. Rainbows & Unicorns

Wear a visible one somewhere: bracelet, ring, necklace, cell phone case (make a call), sticker on your car. Unless you drive a Subaru, then no sticker needed.

Several lamented the need to tattoo “FEMME” on their foreheads. Sigh. Would be such a shame to mar those lovely faces. Now, you could tattoo that in a few other places and I think that would be just fine…

Where was I? Oh yes, number 6.

6. Hello! Outright Flirting

Plenty of Femmes said this was necessary and that it works. Apparently, we are dumb as posts at times, and the sure fire way is to say hello and give your number or ask her for coffee.

The answer is yes, by the way, I’d love to have coffee.

7. Drop the L Word

Say something lesbian or gay. Drop that subtle hint. Did you see that Portia has new hair? How about the President’s speech – go gays! Or I was just reading this cool butch blog the other day…

Super obvious way to signal you are lesbian, and thus a femme. That is, unless TB mistakes you for a supportive straight. Perhaps it’s best to pair this one with any other strategy to minimize the possibility of confusion on TB’s part. Remember, we have slightly more testosterone (sounds right even if it’s not) and that makes us dumber. Plus, you are pretty so we can’t concentrate.

8. The Hair Tuck

Find an opportune moment, preferably whenTB is looking, and tuck your lovely hair behind your lovely ear. This will draw TB’s attention to your ear and neck, encourage noticing of the hair/face/eyes/neck. All good things.

If possible, do it with your hand that sports a rainbow bracelet or ring. If not, do it while holding the TB’s gaze. Now, we’re off to the races.

9. Secret Handshake

We need a signal. Something secret that we all can recognize. If this blog were popular enough, I might be doing some real good here by suggesting this. But, it’s not. Who cares? Let’s agree on a signal for us cool kids.

Touching the side of your nose? Too Santa.

Winking? Too BBC and Benny Hill.

Hair flipping (which is different from the hair tuck)? Too common, hot though. Please feel free to do this liberally.

Sticking your tongue out? Too forward and could be embarrassing.

The Macarena? Too 90’s

How about brushing your lips with your two forefingers briefly (like Quentin is doing below)? That’s subtle enough not to stand out to any Muggles who happen to see, but just sexy enough to catch our attention. Certainly, it would catch my attention. It’s worth a shot! Even if TB doesn’t know the signal, touching your lips is usually hot, so where’s the downside?

And lastly, I note one butch’s comment… Hit on whoever you are attracted to. If she’s not a femme, fine. Her point is men don’t care if their target woman is gay, they make a move. Women flirt without knowing if a guy is gay or straight. Why the extra burden on ourselves? The world is our oyster, Butches.

See her, flirt with her. Done. She’ll either be open to it or not. If not, she’s likely to be flattered. As long as you’re not flirting with Michelle Bachmann or anyone at a Republican or conservative church gathering, there’s probably pretty low risk.

For another look into how us Butches see this dilemma, check out this blog over at CardCarryingLesbian.

It’s butch to let us Butches know you’re interested, lovely Femmes. Be Butch.

Update: The Mayans WERE Wrong!

Just a celebratory note that the Mayans were wrong! We are all still here! Hooray. If I’d really been scared, really been sure the world was ending, then I would have to think that I’ve been given a new life. A brand new chance to make what I want of my life. Wouldn’t I? Shouldn’t we all?

Even though I wasn’t scared, and didn’t think the world was ending (did you?), I choose to receive the gift of a second chance, a new world, a new life. That doesn’t mean I don’t love the life I already have. On the contrary. I’m on the right path. That’s what my post (just before this one) reminded me of.

So, what do I want my new life to be defined by – be it well-entrenched in me or lacking? In no particular order…

Fun. People, places, events, shows, concerts, musicals, parties, events, experiences.

Adventure. Scuba diving, kayaking, mountain biking, DJ’ing, traveling the world, trying new foods, beers, everything.

Kids. I adore mine. My life is kid-friendly and I want to create a world where they can blossom while they are preparing for the world that’s more challenging.

Honesty. Integrity. Two of the most important words to me. My life is and will be defined by honesty and integrity. I will treat all I encounter with these two words in mind. If you are in my life, you will do the same.

Kindness. I want to be kind and I want kindness in those around me.

Health. I want to make healthy choices to create a healthy mind and body. I want to ward off disease with this attitude of health and the choices that accompany that attitude.

Excitement. Peace. Both are essential ingredients in my life. I crave and enjoy excitement. After the excitement, though, I need and appreciate peace and calm.

Joy. Laughter. As much and as often as possible.

Simplicity. As much as I want awesome trips to Paris, Cairo, the Johnstone Strait, and Phuket, I want to sit at home and play board games with my friends and family. Perhaps, Butchopoly?

Fitness & Strength. I want to be able to lift and pull and press lots of weight. But not to be lots of weight.

Appreciation. Gratitude. Living life to the absolute fullest – which includes feeling sorrow and loss when they are present – and always knowing that every day could be the end of the world for me or someone I adore. There are just too many examples to ignore this fact.

And, of course…Love. I want to share my life with someone beautiful and loving. A femme. She’s soft and sexy. She looks at me in such a special way that – err sorry. There’s lots more to write here, but just look at Wanted: Femme for Butch

Last, but not least…Worth. I want to be a person who is worthy of all these wonderful people and things.

The Mayans were wrong. I’m still here. You are still here. They were busy (a long time ago) preparing for the end of the world. Now it’s my turn to prepare for the rest of my life. How about you?

It’s butch to aspire to be worthy. Be Butch.